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by wwwwhhhhoooo
#18738 Author's Notes:

1: This is a pseudo-screenplay format. Due to extension types/compatibility, I am unable to upload the script as-is on the forum. This version (which I painstakingly did several times to get it right) is extremely close to "proper" screenplay format, and will suffice.

2: While this is a "pseudo-screenplay" format, keep in mind that it may seem "bare-bones" or too rigid to those unaccustomed to script format. The point of scripts is to be minimalist in terms of word-usage and descriptors (they're the blueprints of a show) so the key is to visualize what's happening as if it's on-screen as you read.

3: This is only "part 1" of (?), not only because it's extremely tedious to post as it appears here (not that I mind) but also because I'm curious to see how people feel about it. If people like it, I'll make more!

This is set in the Universe continuity (because I thought it would be easier to write for)

Also, if you have any comments or constructive criticism, go right ahead. I just want this to be fun for people. Thanks for reading!

FADE IN:

EXT. MASAKI SHRINE - DAY (PRESENT)

It is another typical summer afternoon at the Masaki residence, the Tenchi cast lounging outside near the lake.

SERIES OF SHOTS - MOS

A) Tenchi, Sasami and Ryo-Ohki gaze at clouds.

B) Ayeka and Ryoko bicker.

C) Mihoshi sleeps under a tree.

D) Kiyone tends to the recently-added garden.

END SERIES OF SHOTS

Suddenly, Ryo-Ohki’s ears pick up. She leaps and begins bounding toward the house.

RYO-OHKI
(excitedly)
Meow!


TENCHI
(puzzled)
Hmm? What is it, Ryo-Ohki?


SASAMI leaps to her feet.

SASAMI
Look, Tenchi! Washu’s here!


TENCHI smiles and scratches his head.


TENCHI
(nervously)
Oh, great. I sure hope she doesn’t have anything too crazy planned today.


RYO-OHKI rushes to greet Washu as she emerges from the house.

RYO-OHKI
(leaping onto Washu)
Meow meow meow!


WASHU
Hey now! Okay, okay, settle down, you.
(petting RYO-OHKI)
Awww, you’re just happy everyone’s together on a nice day, aren’tcha’ girl?


RYO-OHKI
(affirmatively)
MEOW!


SASAMI rushes up to meet WASHU as the mad-scientist slowly makes her way towards TENCHI and the rest of the gang.

SASAMI
Hiya, Washu! Whatcha’ been up to all day?


WASHU
(smart-alecky)
Well, Sasami, my dear, I’ve been pondering for some time now the possibility of dabbling in...


ECU WASHU

WASHU (CONT’D)
(dramatically)
...TIME TRAVEL!


BACK TO SCENE

TENCHI approaches as SASAMI eagerly listens to WASHU’S monologue.

TENCHI
Hello, Washu! Now, maybe I heard wrong, but, did you say something about ‘time travel’ just now?


WASHU
(miffed)
As a matter of fact, I did Tenchi my boy...if you hadn’t interrupted, you’d have figured that out on your own.


TENCHI (V.O.)
(inner thoughts)
No, I didn’t hear wrong...I just didn’t want to believe what I heard.


TENCHI forces a big grin.

TENCHI
Yes, eh...sorry, about that Washu, please continue.


WASHU sneaks in a chuckle.

WASHU
(pinching TENCHI’S cheek)
Oh, who could stay mad at you, Tenchi?


TENCHI
Hey! GAH! Come on, now!


SASAMI giggles and RYO-OHKI meows playfully.

WASHU
Now, as I was saying: I could have theoretically dabbled in time travel for years now, but not only did I have many other very important projects on my plate, but there was always a pragmatic dilemma....


TENCHI
You mean, like ethical concerns? Or the possible repercussions of tampering with the, uh, time-space continuum?


MIHOSHI inexplicably pops up right next to TENCHI.

TENCHI and WASHU flinch with the shock of MIHOSHI’S arrival.

MIHOSHI
Or the, um...the fact that, um...well...no, wait, I’m pretty sure the Galaxy Police have a precedent for this....


MIHOSHI stares into space as TENCHI, SASAMI and WASHU look on, unamused.

MIHOSHI (CONT’D)
Hmm...I’ll need to consult my partner on this!
(shouting over her shoulder)
Kiyone!!! Where are you?! Your partner, First-Class Detective Mihoshi requires your assistance!


CUTAWAY

GARDEN

KIYONE peacefully tends to her vegetable garden as MIHOSHI calls out in the distance.

AD LIB MIHOSHI calling KIYONE

KIYONE
(sotto voce)
Just...try to keep her out of your mind, Kiyone...concentrate on your tomatoe plants...your tomatoe plants need you, Kiyone.


BACK TO SCENE

MIHOSHI
Maybe if I shout a little louder--


WASHU
(interrupting - irritated)
Will you numbskulls let me finish?!


RYOKO (O.S.)
Oh, Ten-chiiiiiii!


RYOKO phases into view, her arms slung around Tenchi’s shoulders as she floats overhead.

WASHU
(muttering)
Speak of the devil....


RYOKO
(sweetly)
Tenchi, won’t you help me prove that silly little princess wrong by saying that I have the most beautiful eyes?


TENCHI
Are you two arguing over nothing again?


RYOKO
(crossly)
‘NOTHING’?!!
(somberly)
Oh, Tenchi, is it so hard to give your sweetie-pie a compliment on her gorgeous good-looks once in a while?


TENCHI
(anxiously)
Well, err, I, uh...you see, Ryoko--


AYEKA butts in between TENCHI and RYOKO.

AYEKA
(interrupting)
What has that foul-mouthed ogre been saying about me, Tenchi? Whatever it is, it’s all vicious lies!


RYOKO
(playfully)
Well, that doesn’t make you seem guilty of anything at all....


AYEKA
Y-you stay out of this!


RYOKO coyly runs her index finger along TENCHI’S chest.

RYOKO
Tenchi here was just telling me that I have the most BEAUTIFUL eyes he’s ever seen!


TENCHI
(to RYOKO)
Now hold on just a minute--


AYEKA
(pinching RYOKO’S hand)
How DARE you! Keep your filthy fingers off Lord Tenchi!


RYOKO presses her face against AYEKA’S.

RYOKO
(to AYEKA)
‘Filthy’?! Why, you pompous little...


RYOKO rubs her hands across AYEKA’S face.

RYOKO (CONT’D)
...HERE now, do those seem dirty to you?!


AYEKA cringes and squirms before wailing loudly.

AYEKA
AAAAHHHH!!!
(brushing aside RYOKO’S hands)
Who only knows where those dreadful things have been!


A BEAT

AYEKA butts heads with RYOKO.

AYEKA (CONT’D)
How DAAAAAAAAARE you, you wretched ingrate!
(to TENCHI)
Lord Tenchi, will you not defend my honor against this monster?!


TENCHI
(anxiously)
Eh, well--


RYOKO
(interrupting)
Come now, why on Earth would Tenchi do that when he’s got me?


RYOKO squeezes TENCHI tightly.

RYOKO (CONT’D)
(to TENCHI)
Right, lover?


TENCHI
(nervously)
Hey now, Ryoko!--


AYEKA
(interrupting - to RYOKO)
You degenerate! Well, I see now what must be done! As the crown-princess of Jurai, I am obligated to put you in your place myself!


AYEKA leaps away from TENCHI and enters a battle pose. RYOKO looks mildly amused.

RYOKO
(condescendingly)
Aww, the little princess wants to get rough, huh?
(grittily)
Fine by me, but don’t come cryin’ to me or Tenchi after I pummel you into the dirt!


TENCHI, SASAMI and WASHU look on futilely as RYOKO and AYEKA prepare to fight.

CUT TO:


EXT. JURAIN COURTYARD - DAY (FUTURE)

An air of calm hovers over the Jurain Royal Palace. A peculiar-looking device disturbs the otherwise lush green atmosphere of the Royal Gardens.

CU DEVICE

A note attached to the device reads “Boys: taking some heat from the Galaxy Police. Stowing my latest and greatest invention here for the time being. Thanks! p.s. DO NOT TOUCH!”

BACK TO SCENE

KENCHI peacefully reads a book while sitting under a tree. Birds chirp in the distance.

KENCHI appears to be in his late teens, and wears elegant Jurain leisure attire. A royal headpiece partially hides his smooth purple hair.

CU KENCHI

KENCHI slowly closes his book.

KENCHI
(sotto voce)
What a splendid manner in which to spend an afternoon.


WE HEAR the exuberant voice of RAI O.S.

RAI (O.S.)
(shouting)
Uh-oh! Heads up, Kenchi!


KENCHI glances upward just as a sports ball slams into his face.

KENCHI
GAAAAH!!!


KENCHI collapses.

BACK TO SCENE

Spiky-haired RAI phases and appears next to KENCHI lying on the ground. He hovers in mid-air with an apologetic grin on his face and a mischievous sparkle in his golden eyes.

RAI
Wow, yeah, I’m reeeeally sorry about that, man. That last one got away from me somehow....


KENCHI angrily rises to his feet.

KENCHI
(irritated)
Knowing you that was no accident!


KENCHI dusts himself off.

RAI
Hey now, of course it was an accident!
(holding back laughter)
Who could possibly take joy in--cheap-shotting you in the face--when you least expect--


RAI bursts out laughing, unable to contain himself.

KENCHI
(angrily)
I knew it! How DARE you strike royalty in the face!


RAI
‘Royalty’? What’s that supposed to mean? What does that make me?


KENCHI
Isn’t it obvious? I descend from Jurain nobility via both lineages, while you, on the other hand, well...
(a beat; continuing)
...what’s a polite term for ‘mongrel’?


RAI phases and appears right in front of KENCHI. He grabs KENCHI by the collar of his shirt.

RAI
(angrily)
And what’s a polite term for ‘self-entitled, pompous BRAT’?!


KENCHI angrily brushes aside RAI’S hand.

KENCHI
The only terms you understand involve you taking a beating!


RAI
(smirking)
Yeah? And when have you ever given me a beating? The old man ain’t around to save your prissy butt this time.


RAI glances over his shoulder as a number of miniature, rounded logs surround him.

KENCHI
They really should keep you on a shorter leash....


RAI
(tauntingly)
You can’t tame THIS, baby!


RAI phases through the ground just as an energy field of lightning BURSTS exactly where he was standing only moments before.

KENCHI hastily examines his surroundings, looking in no particular direction.

KENCHI
(shouting)
Quit hiding! Fight me like a man!


RAI appears behind KENCHI undetected. He kicks the back of KENCHI’S knee and performs a leg trap.

KENCHI unexpectedly topples onto one knee. RAI subdues him by grabbing both his arms and pinning his leg onto the ground. KENCHI’S energy field dissipates.

AD LIB KENCHI struggling.

RAI
(holding KENCHI)
Give?


KENCHI
(struggling)
F-fine, I submit. Release me at once!


RAI releases his hold on KENCHI.

RAI
(laughing)
That’s right you do!


AD LIB RAI laughing as KENCHI delivers a swift shuto strike to his side.

AD LIB RAI grunting.

RAI (CONT’D)
(grittily)
Ch-cheap shot!


KENCHI
You’d know all about those, wouldn’t you?


KENCHI begins to radiate light as he activates his Jurain powers.

RAI
Oh, so THAT’S how it’s gonna’ be, is it?


Blue light emanates from RAI as he activates his Jurain powers.

AD LIB RAI and KENCHI powering up.

Wind tears through the leaves of the garden’s trees. Bursts of electrical energy surge through the distilled air. The ground quakes.

In the distance, the mysterious machine left unattended on the far end of the garden hums to life. Various external coils and generators feed on the charged atmosphere.

The wind tears the note written on the machine off and sends it wisping violently through the air.
The note slaps KENCHI across the face. He angrily grasps it and waves it towards RAI.

KENCHI
Is this another of your underhanded tactics? Throwing garbage at me?


RAI’S expression quickly turns from excitement to anxiousness.

RAI
Wait, is that what I think it is?


KENCHI
There’s no low you won’t stoop to, is there?


RAI
Um, Kenchi--


KENCHI
(interrupting)
And littering in the Royal Garden? Why, the callousness of it, the audacity!


RAI
(shouting)
KEN-CHI!!!


KENCHI realizes something is amiss.

A BEAT

KENCHI and RAI notice an eerie humming emanating from nearby. They both hesitantly look across the courtyard.

The machine hums loudly while it begins to glow brightly. Fierce lightning and a rolling, thunderous roar now engulf the surrounding garden.

KENCHI
Did that crazed lunatic’s contraption turn itself on?!


RAI
Mmmmaaaaaybe it had something to do with how...’heated’ our argument got?


A BEAT

KENCHI
I can never tell if you’re joking or not....


RAI phases and appears in front of the machine.

RAI
(frustrated)
Whatever, just...help me turn this thing off!


KENCHI rushes over to RAI’S side.

KENCHI
I don’t even know how it turned on! I knew letting Washu keep one of her demented devices here was a stupid idea!


The humming grows louder as a blinding light surrounds RAI and KENCHI.

RAI
(scared)
Why is she even allowed here?!


AD LIB RAI and KENCHI screaming as white light engulfs the screen.

CUT TO:

EXT. MASAKI SHRINE - DAY (PRESENT)

As RYOKO and AYEKA prepare to clash yet again, a sudden blast of energy bursts in between them.

RYOKO
Huh?


AYEKA
What was that?


RYOKO and AYEKA leap backwards. Lightning pours out of a rip in the fabric of reality.

Everyone hides behind WASHU. She earnestly stares in wonder at the unfolding phenomenon.

WASHU
(excitedly)
Could this be? An inter-dimensional shift in the plane of existence? Or a tear in the space-time continuum?


TENCHI
Seriously?! Oh man, I hate it when I’m right!


AYEKA
Miss Washu! What’s happening?
(points to RYOKO)
Is this her doing?


RYOKO
(to AYEKA)
What? ME?! Why, of all the no-good, rotten...what the hell makes you think I did it? If anything, you’re probably the one responsible.


AYEKA
How DARE you! Why I’ll--


TENCHI
(interrupting)
Um, girls, you think maybe you two could stop arguing until we’ve dealt with this?


The storm ceases as abruptly as it began with one final CLAP of thunder as a bright light encompasses the Tenchi cast.

A BEAT

TENCHI and the girls look on in astonishment as a large, circular-framed contraption on a large pedestal sits on the grass as if it had always been there.

WASHU
(sotto voce)
Interesting....


KENCHI and RAI lie unconscious on the ground next to the time machine.

SASAMI
(worried)
Oh no! Those two look hurt!


RYO-OHKI
(concerned)
Meow!


TENCHI and the gang rush towards KENCHI and RAI. WASHU remains standing in place, gazing at the machine.

WASHU
(sotto voce)
Hmmm...most interesting, indeed....


FADE TO BLACK.
User avatar
by shadowsfall0
#18745 First and foremost. This was a very great screenwrite! The format was really well done, it had so much more than my rendition of the format had. I give kudos for being able to pull of the original format as well as you have ^.^.

Secondly, I love the story you are bringing in. The whole idea of the 2nd generation has been passing around the forum for a few days and to see it in a way like this is quite a bit different than I had in mind. I mean, my idea was a branch-off of my OVA 4 once I finished it, but yours went with Universe which was a skillful approach; not only as the series so far surpasses The OVA (in my opinion) but having a close to done ending while letting room for any continuation be present, and being able to start a very interesting story from such an ending was a feat I never could have made.

You pulled off the Time machine vibe that is very common to the Universe continuity very well. Along with bringing in these two kids. It makes for an intro that brings in a lot of questions, but thats EXACTLY how you are supposed to do it. Your intro should hook the reader/audience and bring them in to figure out more into what is happening.

In terms of critique, only a few gramatical/spelling errors here and there but as you said you put it together in a short time, and it was still very skilled as a piece. If this was to be adapted to screentime, I would definitely watch this. I am eager to see what more is to come for the Masaki household in this new adventure! :D

If you ever need any help or ideas, feel free to PM me or anything, and i can bounce off some ideas :Tenchismile:
User avatar
by wwwwhhhhoooo
#21638 ACT TWO

FADE IN:

INT. TENCHI’S ROOM - DAY (PRESENT)

ANGLE ON RAI as he grudgingly opens his eyes while lying on a rollout bed mat on the floor.

RAI
(sotto voce)
Ugh...oh, my aching--
(flinching)
It wasn’t me! It was all Kenchi’s idea!


A BEAT

RAI looks around.

The room is quiet and empty, save for KENCHI out cold underneath the sheets of a bed.

RAI hovers, cautiously examining his surroundings.

He notices KENCHI asleep in bed.

RAI phases and appears hovering right over KENCHI.

RAI (CONT’D)
(looking back at bed mat)
Pft. Even in some stranger’s house, he gets the preferential treatment!


RAI’S broad ears perk up to muffled voices outside the room.

WASHU (O.S.)
For the last time, no Mihoshi! For the time being, only I am allowed to check in on them.


MIHOSHI (O.S.)
Well, for the, umm...eleventieth time, why can’t any of the rest of us help?


RAI
(sotto voce)
Why does her voice sound familiar?
(gasps - sotto voce)
Is that Washu?!


AD LIB WASHU lecturing MIHOSHI O.S.

RAI (CONT’D)
(sotto voce)
What is she doing here?! Oh man, she’s probably gonna’ make Guinea pigs out of us for tampering with her machine!


The muffled voices O.S. get louder.

RAI nervously surveys the room before eying a notebook and pen sitting atop a desk.

ANGLE ON DESKTOP

RAI (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Hmmmm....


INT. MASAKI HOUSEHOLD

WASHU and MIHOSHI stand right outside the closed door of TENCHI’S room.

WASHU
Suffice it to say, Mihoshi my dear, they are in a delicate state right now, and, err, might suffer "culture shock" if too many people interact with them at once. Does that satisfy your curiosity for the time being?


MIHOSHI
You know it doesn’t, Miss Washu!


WASHU
Too bad. Now, if you’ll please wait right here....


WASHU slowly opens the door. She ducks inside, leaving MIHOSHI waiting somberly out in the hallway.

ANGLE ON MIHOSHI

WASHU (O.S.) (CONT’D)
GAAAAHHH!!! Mihoshi, get in here quick!


MIHOSHI
Wait, but didn’t you just say--


WASHU’S arm protrudes from the now-open door and pulls MIHOSHI in.

MIHOSHI (CONT’D)
Yipe!


INT. TENCHI’S ROOM

WASHU looks around the room nervously while MIHOSHI looks around curiously.

KENCHI remains asleep in bed, while there is no sign of RAI save for his empty bed roll and scattered sheets.

MIHOSHI
Now wait just a minute: call it a detective’s intuition, but I’m pretty sure there were TWO unknown persons in this room!


WASHU
(angrily)
Grrrrr!
(grabs MIHOSHI)
Yes! But now there ISN’T! See the problem?!


A BEAT

MIHOSHI
I do.


WASHU releases MIHOSHI in frustration and searches the room frantically.

WASHU
Where?! Why?! How?! Help me look, Mihoshi!


MIHOSHI notices a piece of paper next to KENCHI’S head. She picks it up.

MIHOSHI’S POV

The note reads in sloppily-written words “I did it, signed me, Kenchi, not Rai...who is cool.”

BACK TO SCENE

MIHOSHI
(examining paper)
Hmmmm....


WASHU
What? What is it?
(notices note)
What’s this?


WASHU grabs the note from MIHOSHI’S fingers.

MIHOSHI
Whatever it was that we’re freaking out about, I have reason to suspect this “Kenchi” is our culprit!


WASHU sighs in defeat.

CUT TO:

EXT. MASAKI HOUSEHOLD

RAI appears out of thin air onto the rooftop of the Masaki house.

He curiously examines his surroundings.

RAI
(looking at house - sotto voce)
Japanese architecture...nice.


RAI hovers down one of the grassy knolls surrounding the house.

WE SEE many of the familiar sites associated with the Masaki household, such as the shrine and the lake on RAI’S self-guided tour.

RAI (CONT’D)
(sotto voce)
This place is awesome! Yet, strangely familiar...but at any rate, why would Washu bring me and Kenchi here if...
(gulps)
...she knows we touched her doohickey!


RAI’S ears perk up again at the sound of distant voices.

KIYONE and SASAMI’S voices emanate from the garden nearby.

SASAMI (O.S.)
But aren’tcha’ curious about who those two were or where they came from?


KIYONE (O.S.)
Of course I am, kiddo. But you heard Washu, they need their rest for now. Just help me pick the rest of these tomatoes and you and Ryo-Ohki can cook them up something really nice for when they wake up!


RYO-OHKI (O.S.)
(happily)
Meow!


SASAMI giggles O.S.

RAI quietly sneaks towards the voices.

WE SEE SASAMI placing several tomatoes in a basket, with RYO-OHKI resting on her head.

SASAMI
There! That should do it! Thanks, Kiyone, me and Ryo-Ohki are gonna’ chop these up in the kitchen!


SASAMI runs towards the house.

KIYONE
(calling after her)
Be careful with those knives!


SASAMI
I know!


AD LIB RYO-OHKI meowing as the two fade into the distance.

ANGLE ON KIYONE.

KIYONE remains on her knees in the garden, enjoying what was left of a warm spring day.

Suddenly, KIYONE springs up quickly, eyes focused on a tree at the edge of the garden.

KIYONE
Ryoko! Is that you again? I’m not in the mood for playing space cops and robbers today!


A BEAT

KIYONE (CONT’D)
(pulling GP yo-yo out of pocket)
If that’s you, Ryoko, I’ll give you ‘til the count of four to come out of there!


ANGLE ON TREE

RAI (O.S.)
Why four?
(covering his mouth)
Doh!


KIYONE
Hey! Okay, whoever you are, this is Galaxy Police Officer Kiyone Makibi, and I am ordering you to come out!


RAI (O.S.)
...Auntie Kiyone?


KIYONE’S stern expression lapses into one of utter confusion.

CUT TO:

INT. MASAKI HOUSEHOLD

WASHU and MIHOSHI now stand in the main ground-floor room of the house.

WASHU
Look, Mihoshi, there are certain things I wanted to keep secret from you and the others...things that must still be kept secret...but unfortunately cannot be entirely avoided at this point. So, here’s what you’re going to do....


MIHOSHI
(raising hand)
Question!


WASHU
Yes?


MIHOSHI
Can I put on my detective uniform? ‘Cuz I reeeally feel like this sort of murder mystery scenario really calls for it.


WASHU
Mystery what? No, Mihoshi, there’s no murder to solve,
(sotto voce)
at least, I hope there won’t be,
(to MIHOSHI)
but at any rate, we need to find someone in this very house, Mihoshi, who doesn’t “fit in.”


WASHU places her hands on MIHOSHI’S shoulders, looking her in the eyes.

WASHU’S POV

MIHOSHI has a placid look on her face.

WASHU (CONT’D)
Understand, Mihoshi? One of these things is not like the others.


MIHOSHI
...like Ryoko! She’s the only one of us who can fly!


BACK TO SCENE

WASHU slaps her own forehead in frustration.

WASHU
Look, just...
(sighs)
...if you see a boy, who is not Tenchi, or ‘Honorable Father’ or Katsuhito...


MIHOSHI perks up as if about to speak.

WASHU (CONT’D)
(interrupting)
...or anyone who may or may not be named “Kenchi” report it to me at once using your GP communicator.


MIHOSHI stares at the “wristwatch” on her wrist.

MIHOSHI
(saluting)
You got it, Miss Washu!


WASHU
Excellent! Now, let's get to it! It is imperative that neither of these two see anybody except for me, at least for the time being.


KENCHI (O.S.)
Excuse me, Ma'am, but do you happen to have any herbal tea?


WASHU
(smiling)
Sure, we’ve got some right in the kitch--


WASHU gasps as she whips around to see KENCHI at the foot of the stairs.

KENCHI
(nervously)
Oh, Miss Washu! I, err, didn’t realize it was you for some reason...
(a beat; continuing)
Auntie Mihoshi, is that you?


ANGLE ON WASHU and MIHOSHI

WASHU looks utterly dejected while MIHOSHI perks up.

MIHOSHI
Hiya Kenchi! It’s been a long time! I can’t remember the last time you visited...
(pondering)
...come to think of it, I can’t remember us ever meeting, actually. And, did you say “Auntie” by any chance?


WASHU
(sotto voce)
This...is...not good....


FADE OUT.
User avatar
by shadowsfall0
#21640 Another excellent chapter. ^^ I like what you did in having Mihoshi and Washu trying to figure out what's going on but Mihoshi's klutzy-ness was hindering it.

The twist at the end was really nice, too. Again, Washu and Mihoshi's reaction was perfect. The way you made them interact is something that reminds me of early OVA style but you never saw much of it afterward. Good on you for bringing back the "Genius and klutz" dynamic.

Also this line

“I did it, signed me, Kenchi, not Rai...who is cool.”

Made me laugh incredibly hard. Keep up the good work, man, I'm really digging this so far :D
User avatar
by wwwwhhhhoooo
#21644
shadowsfall0 wrote:The twist at the end was really nice, too. Again, Washu and Mihoshi's reaction was perfect. The way you made them interact is something that reminds me of early OVA style but you never saw much of it afterward. Good on you for bringing back the "Genius and klutz" dynamic.


Thanks for noticing, I missed that in ova also (in episode 5 and 6 it's brilliant) so I flushed it out a bit here.

& glad you laughed, I did too.
User avatar
by wwwwhhhhoooo
#26355 I had some time to write today. Yay! So, I'll start with Act One of Episode 2
(again, pseudo-screenplay format, spacing not accurate, but still works for reading, yadda yadda)

NO NEED FOR TIME TRAVEL! PART 2

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. MASAKI HOUSEHOLD

WASHU nervously switches back and forth between staring at KENCHI and staring at MIHOSHI.

MIHOSHI
Now, let me get you some of that tea, Kenchi!
(a beat; continuing)
Say, “Kenchi” kind of sounds like--


WASHU
(interrupting)
NO IT DOESN’T! It sounds like nothing!


MIHOSHI
(confused)
Well, if you say so, Washu. But ya’ mind telling me why Kenchi here called me “Auntie”?
If I was an aunt, I think someone would have told me by now.


KENCHI walks towards WASHU and MIHOSHI.

KENCHI
Oh, don’t tell me, Miss Washu...
(tenderly grasps MIHOSHI’S hands)
...you’ve been using Aunt Mihoshi for your ludicrous experiments again!


MIHOSHI
(shocked)
Is this true, Miss Washu?


WASHU
What? Why that's...err...
(a beat; continuing)
...that has nothing to do with anything right now!


KENCHI leans down to be face to face with WASHU

KENCHI
(indignantly)
I didn’t hear a ‘no’ Miss Washu. I insist you explain yourself this instant.


MIHOSHI
(imitating)
Yeah, Washu, start talkin’!


AD LIB WASHU stuttering nervously.

WASHU
Well, err...you see--


KIYONE (O.S.)
(from outside)
Hey! Washu!


Suddenly the front door of the house slides open. KIYONE stands in the doorway pinching RAI’S ear.

RAI
(whimpering)
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!


KIYONE
Washu, you got some ‘splainin’ to do!


WASHU
(shocked)
GAH! No! You, and he--


SASAMI emerges from the kitchen.

SASAMI
What’s all the ruckus in here? I thought we were supposed to keep quiet for--


SASAMI notices everyone staring back at her.

SASAMI (CONT’D)
Uhh...what’s going on?
(noticing RAI and KENCHI)
Hey! You two are up! Super! That means you can eat! Dinner’s on!


RAI immediately breaks free of KIYONE’S grasp and hovers towards the kitchen.

RAI
Food! Oh yeah!


KENCHI
What an adorable little servant girl you have here.


SASAMI walks towards KENCHI with a scowl on her face.

SASAMI
What? Look here, Mister, I’m Sasa--


WASHU quickly cups her hand over SASAMI’S mouth.

AD LIB SASAMI mumbling.

WASHU
(laughs nervously)
Yes, she’s our servant girl...from Sasari! Yep, we brought her here all the way from Sasari because of her fabulous cooking! Yep, nothin’s too good for royalty!


RAI (O.S.)
(food in mouth)
It’s so good, you guys!


SASAMI rushes into the kitchen.

SASAMI
Heeeeeeey! Wait for everyone else, will you?!


WASHU frantically pushes KENCHI towards the kitchen.

WASHU
Now, now, Servant Girl, we musn’t keep these hungry boys waiting!


KENCHI remains calm and motionless as he is pushed across the floor.

KENCHI
You’re acting most unusual today, Miss Washu...even by your standards.


RAI emerges from the kitchen with food stuffed in his mouth.

RAI
Yeah, we figured if anything you’d be really mad about--


RAI’S cheerful expression sours. An unchewed morsel of food falls to the floor from his mouth.

RAI (CONT’D)
Uh oh.


KENCHI freezes bolt upright with a worried look upon his face. WASHU continues to push him with all her might to no avail.

KENCHI
Oh gracious. I’d forgotten about that.


A BEAT

Everyone stands in awkward silence for several moments.

Simultaneously, RAI and KENCHI rush towards WASHU and kneel before her.

They each bombard her with an indiscernible cacophony of words.

WASHU’S POV

KENCHI (CONT’D)
(while RAI speaks)
Miss Washu, I beseech you! It was an accident! We didn’t intend to activate your brilliant invention!


AD LIB KENCHI listing excuses.

WASHU turns to RAI.

RAI
(while KENCHI speaks)
It was him! It was him! He did it! He did it! He did it! He did it!


AD LIB RAI repeating words over and over.

BACK TO SCENE

WASHU
Enough! Enough! ENOUGH!


KENCHI and RAI cease their menial pleas.

WASHU (CONT’D)
(to everyone)
Okay, listen up people! This has all become far messier than I would have liked, but here’s what’s going to happen:
everyone in this room head to my lab this instant! Everything will be explained shortly.


RAI
But--


WASHU
(interrupting)
But nothing!


MIHOSHI
But--


WASHU
(interrupting)
Lab! Now!


SASAMI leans in from the dining area.

SASAMI
(somberly)
But what about dinner?


A BEAT

WASHU
(calmly)
...oh, I suppose a quick bite of dinner...
(dramatically)
...and THEN everyone to the lab immediately!


CUT TO:

INT. DINING ROOM

WASHU, MIHOSHI, SASAMI, RYO-OHKI, KIYONE, KENCHI and RAI all sit around the table enjoying their meal.

AD LIB laughter and pleasant tabletop conversation.

Suddenly KIYONE slams her hands onto the table.

KIYONE
Why does this keep happening?!


Everyone stares at her in stunned silence.

KIYONE (CONT’D)
(miffed)
What I mean, is...
(regaining composure)
...why are we leisurely eating a meal right now? Don’t we have some important questions that need answering?
And besides, Washu, just a little while ago you said something about absolutely
not allowing certain individuals to see either one of these two!


KIYONE gestures towards the door with her arm.

KIYONE (CONT’D)
They could just waltz in at any moment! What’s to stop that from happening, Washu? Hmmm? What then?


A BEAT

WASHU calmly sets down her dinnerware.

WASHU
(calmly)
Well, first of all, Kiyone, we’re all enjoying this wonderful meal because
Sasaaaahh--Servant Girl here worked hard making it, and we appreciate her efforts.


Everyone at the table nods in agreement.

AD LIB entire table stating compliments.

WASHU (CONT’D)
And secondly...as soon as Curly and Shemp here showed up, I told you-know-who to keep
the girls busy with something that was sure to give us plenty of time.


KIYONE
How’d you manage that?


CUTAWAY

TENCHI picks carrots out in the fields with his shirt off.

RYOKO and AYEKA lie on their stomachs, staring at TENCHI like wolves to a sheep.

TENCHI
(sotto voce)
Washu, you owe me big!


BACK TO SCENE

WASHU
Well, I’m stuffed! Okay everybody, to the lab!


CUT TO:

INT. WASHU’S LAB

Everyone sits in desks as if at school while WASHU stands behind a podium in front of a large electronic screen displaying indiscernible data.

Everyone wears a look of shock on their faces.

WASHU
Now, any questions?


KENCHI
(mortified)
You mean that wacky invention of yours--


WASHU
Raise your hand if you have a question, please!


KENCHI raises his hand and stands while continuing to speak.

KENCHI
(angrily)
...was a blasted time machine?!!


WASHU
Sure sounds like me, don't it?


RAI
Nice....


KENCHI
Those are illegal for a reason, Miss Washu!


KIYONE
“Auntie” Kiyone???
(grabs RAI)
How do I age? Tell me! Tell me right now!


SASAMI holds up a pre-written piece of paper.

RAI glances towards SASAMI while being shaken by KIYONE.

RAI
Uh...you age extremely well, young lady!


AD LIB RAI being continuously shaken.

MIHOSHI
(to KENCHI)
Hmm, so if I’m “Auntie” Mihoshi, then your mother must be....


KENCHI gently tussles his purple hair.

KENCHI
Isn’t it obvious?


SASAMI points to RAI.
SASAMI
(gleefully)
And YOU’RE mom must be....


KIYONE releases her grip on RAI.

RAI
(deep in thought)
...wait a minute, you’re name’s not “Servant Girl”....


WASHU slaps her forehead.

WASHU
Oy! Yes, it’s pretty obvious who you two belong to. Which is precisely why I’ve gone to great lengths to keep
Ryoko and Ayeka from seeing you.
(points directly at RAI and KENCHI)
To prevent any sort of time paradox, YOU TWO will NOT interact with your parents
in any way whatsoever!


KENCHI
(feigning boredom)
Fine.


RAI
(feigning joy)
Sweet! No moms naggin’ us!


WASHU
Good. Glad we’re all in agreement.
(mutters)
That was surprisingly easy.
(to KIYONE)
Now, Kiyone, when Tenchi comes back--


RAI and KENCHI perk up.

RAI AND KENCHI
(simultaneously)
Dad’s here?!!


WASHU
Fiddlesticks.


KENCHI rushes out the lab door as RAI floats upward and phases through the ceiling.

A BEAT

WASHU (CONT’D)
Double fiddlesticks.


KIYONE walks discouragingly over to MIHOSHI, grabs her arm, and pulls her towards the lab door.

MIHOSHI
Where are we going, Kiyone?


KIYONE
We’re on it, Washu....


WASHU gleefully clasps her hands together.

WASHU
Oh good! You know the routine. Sasami, dear, would you help me wipe down
these desks before I put them away?


SASAMI
Sure, Miss Washu! But, don’t you have machines to do that or something?


WASHU
Yes, but let’s not let that temporary ‘Servant Girl’ title go to waste! Hop to it!


RYO-OHKI emerges on top of SASAMI’S head.

RYO-OHKI
Meow?


WASHU
Yes, Ryo-Ohki, right meow.


RYO-OHKI
(dejected)
Meow.


CUT TO:

EXT. CARROT FIELDS

TENCHI walks towards the house, fully clothed and carrying a bundle of carrots on his back.

RYOKO and AYEKA follow along either side.

RYOKO
(giggling)
Tenchiiiii! You should do your chores in the buff more often!


AYEKA
(angrily)
Miss Ryoko!
(calmly)
Actually, I agree with you completely.


TENCHI
That’s not gonna’ happen! Sheesh, I was just...really hot today, and--


RYOKO turns TENCHI’S face towards hers.

RYOKO
Yeah you were....


AYEKA slaps RYOKO’S hand.

AYEKA
(angrily)
Miss Ryoko!


EXT. MASAKI HOUSEHOLD

TENCHI rolls his eyes as he sets the basket of carrots down by the outdoor pantry.

RYOKO simply squints her eyes angrily before shoving AYEKA with both hands away from TENCHI.

RYOKO
(mockingly)
“Miss Ryoko! Miss Ryoko!” Sheesh, can’t you ever give it a rest?


AYEKA stands in abject shock before verbally retaliating. As she does so, a voice O.S. towards the rooftop joins her in unison as if rehearsed.

AYEKA AND KENCHI
(simultaneously)
How DARE you touch royalty, filth!


AYEKA covers her mouth in confusion and joins TENCHI and RYOKO in searching for the owner of the voice.

RYOKO
What the--?


In a single bound KENCHI leaps from the heigth of the Masaki house down to the ground, landing between AYEKA and RYOKO.

As his feet touch the Earth, KENCHI draws a Jurain sword with a blue energy blade identical to TENCHI’S.

KENCHI
(raising sword to RYOKO)
Who would have thought Washu’s frivolity would allow me the opportunity
to right the wrongs brought on by this demon-eyed vixen!


RYOKO
(to TENCHI)
Hey Tenchi, ain’t he cute? What, are kids already dressing up like you? It’s a little early for Halloween...
(to KENCHI; angrily)
...hey, wait a minute, whaddyu call me, you little twerp?!


AYEKA
(to KENCHI)
Who-who are you, young man? You have an air of Jurain nobility about you....


KENCHI keeps his weapon and his gaze focused on RYOKO.

KENCHI
(to RYOKO)
Apart from my personal disliking of your savagery, your meddling in the affairs of our family is an affront
for which I’ve long sought retribution...Space Pirate Captain Ryoko!


RYOKO
Oooh, “Captain” you say? Well, I’ve always given thought to throwing my hat back in the ring...
(grabs TENCHI)
...that is, only if my sweetie-pie Tenchi would come with me!


TENCHI
Ryoko! Shouldn’t we figure out who is--I mean, what the heck is going on around here?


KENCHI
Unhand him, you brute!


KENCHI charges RYOKO, raising his blade high over his head, preparing for a downward thrust.

RYOKO
Fine, kid, you asked for it!


As RYOKO tosses TENCHI behind her and prepares to defend herself, an energy blast from high overhead tears into the ground in front of KENCHI, causing an explosion in the loosely-trodden dirt.

A BEAT

As the dust clears, WE SEE a Jurain forcefield surrounding KENCHI and AYEKA.

RYOKO phases into view next to TENCHI as he lies on the ground.

RYOKO (CONT’D)
Tenchi! Are you alright?


TENCHI
Oh great, what now?


KENCHI
(shouting upward)
Getting in my way, as usual? Well, come on then! Show yourself!


In front of RYOKO and TENCHI, RAI phases into view. Dust disperses as his feet plop onto the ground.

RAI stares angrily at the ground before raising his anger-filled eyes to meet KENCHI’S.

RAI
I always thought you were kinda’ annoying, little bro. But messing with my mom?


RAI waves his hand and ignites a beam of focused energy into the shape of a saber.

RAI (CONT’D)
Now I’m genuinely pissed.


FADE TO BLACK.

END OF ACT ONE
User avatar
by Nil Admirari
#26371 I have to say, when I first saw the title and heard Washu's proposal for some sort of time travel, my mind instantly went to the "Time and Space Adventures" series of episodes from Universe. Your take on it ended up being much different from my initial guess, something something not judging books by covers... Ahem. What it turned out to be more like, and I think the Summer setting helped with this, was Daughter of Darkness. We now have two characters who not only claim to be spawn of Tenchi's, but actually are. And they've only just been introduced, so how their outburst into Ryoko and Ayeka's realities is totally up in the air. But I can imagine it not going over very smoothly! I also love Rai/Kenchi's personalities showing off who their mothers were before we even really knew who they themselves were. They certainly do take after the family!

One thing that was a treat for me personally here was the style in which you chose to present the story. Screenplay format is easier in some ways because you cut out a lot of the fat in a written format. I've gotten quite a bad habit from Neal Stephenson of being very wordy. But your screenplay gives the reader (almost, but we'll get to this) exactly what they need to know in order to picture the scene while letting their imagination direct the action. All with only the bare essentials in terms of information being given. However, I think this produces a more difficult read for those who aren't familiar with the format. A lot of shorthand and terminology that might not make sense to the reader, which makes it hard for them to continue the scene because every word and action is essential to keep flow. I may recommend a guide, or perhaps a brief explanation in bold like this:

WASHU
(smart-alecky)
Well, Sasami, my dear, I’ve been pondering for some time now the possibility of dabbling in...


ECU (Extreme Close-up) WASHU

WASHU (CONT’D)
(dramatically)
...TIME TRAVEL!


In order to keep the reader engaged while still allowing you to keep the format as close to actual screenplay as possible. This isn't so much an issue for me as I have a theater/film background (even considering how long it has been since I've had to read one of these), but for the sake of other readers, I feel it could help out a lot for some of the lesser understandable acronyms.

My big point of constructive feedback I wish to give is relating to the character dialog. For a majority of the dialog, I have zero issues with being able to envision the english VA's reprising their roles on point. However, there are some moments where they step out of character, and start using what one could call "Wwwhhhoooisms".


KIYONE
Washu, you got some ‘splainin’ to do!


For a quick example. I can't particularly see her referencing I Love Lucy out of nowhere, but that's the first thing my mind goes to. However, I could absolutely see you using the phrasing as part of your every day speech because that's how you are. And I wouldn't dare have you change yourself in any way. But... it does disrupt flow and temporarily breaks the illusion of character. My advice here would be to try and work your own personal style through in other ways while keeping dialog as accurate as possible. It is, after all, a vast majority of the screenplay text!

You've got an interesting scenario ahead, and I'm glad you were able to sit down and put more thoughts out after almost a year (!!) of percolation. I hope to see more sooner rather than later, but I understand that you can't rush these things.
User avatar
by wwwwhhhhoooo
#26372 mmhmm1 Thanks for the advice Nil! When I'm able, I'll revisit this metaphorical ice sculpture with my metaphorical machete (that doesn't even make sense; how's that for a "Who-ism"?). ^^

"Little" stuff like that affects readers in significant ways, so I appreciate hearing your take.
User avatar
by evilpii
#26411 This story deals with a pair of boys accidentally falling out of time and into the lap of the Masaki estate. Naturally, their identities cause quite the stir over the course of the story.

I agree with Nil that the author certainly established the characters of Rai and Kenchi long before their identities are legitimately revealed. Kenchi's hair color, proper nature, and reaction to Rai firmly speaks volumes of who he is, as well as who his kin are. Likewise, Rai's hair style, light-hearted nature, and reaction to Kenchi makes his analogue just as obvious. A lot seems unspoken, or right on characters' lips, before the cliffhanger of Episode 2 Act 1.

That being said, I did like the spin this story took.
Most fan fiction that I have read, including the IF doujinshi, tend to give Ryoko and Ayeka daughters with Tenchi. This tends to allow the daughters to mirror their mothers' relationship directly. Having the two have sons allows one to experiment with a male variation of Ryoko and Ayeka's interactions. Notably, the author has Rai and Kenchi brawling like two schoolboys in Episode 1 Act 1, which would fit two mismatched half-brothers. Their relationship is more physical, rather than the more catty nature of their mothers. I'd like to see where this little gender-reversed relationship goes. soawesome1


Washu plays a pivotal role in the story, not only as instigator of sorts, but also as the protagonist, trying to keep this little temporal mishap from getting out of hand. Washu here seemed split between her Universe incarnation, particularly episode 8, and her OVA incarnation, specifically her interaction with Mihoshi as noted by Shadows above. Seeing her scramble was a nice breath of fresh air, even considering Ai Tenchi, since she is still very commanding as well.

Mihoshi's dynamic with Washu was humorous, and I did like Mihoshi's idiot-savant approach. I was a little worried that the blonde detective might get a little too naive, though that feeling might just be due to Washu's condensing tone. blush1

Kiyone and Sasami for the most part have only been played for atmosphere and laughs so far, many of which were had. I really liked the "servant girl" gag, as well as the callbacks to Kiyone's introduction in Universe episode 5, the lecture of OVA 2 episode 3, and perhaps Misaki's overreaction in OVA 2 episode 6. All of these made me cackle with a wide grin. mmhmm1 I did appreciate the nod to Manatsu no Eve with Kiyone's garden, as well as Kiyone and Sasami having some bonding like Universe episode 12. Considering both were at one time played by the same English voice actress, this is still a nice inside reference to the audience.

Tenchi, Ryoko, and Ayeka are ironically pigeon-holed, causing a change in the usual arrangement of a Tenchi story. Usually, this core trio are the leads, but this story pleasantly spun attention to the other cast members, particularly Washu. The "bare-chested" excuse certainly made me laugh. All in all, the three seem unchanged from Universe, which makes me wonder when, if at all, this story would take place in the continuity. Considering the gravitas of both in Love films and the light-heartedness of this story, I would think this story would precede, or perhaps replace, the films. Either way is fine with me. This story has been a fun romp. Tenchismile

Then, the ending of Episode 2 Act 1 sets up some conflict. I am eager to see how this segment will conclude. gendo1

While I am familiar with reading a drama script, I do agree with Nil that the shorthand such as "CU" and the like threw me at first. A legend or precedent might be appreciated. mmhmm1