Reply To: TMIL3: Chapter 3

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    Kiyoka
    Member

    evilpii wrote:

    From my reading of this chapter, the plot continues in much the same vein, having a lot of situation comedy surrounding Ryoko and Ayeka prodding for information, and Washu meddling for the lulz. ^^;

    I noticed that Future Kiyone’s temper seemed noticeably shorter this chapter. Perhaps it was all the annoyance from Ryoko and Ayeka, but it seemed rather extreme for her to lash out physically at Ryoko. Similarly, she called to herself when she got instantly drunk from Washu’s liquor. Knowing some rumors about what “Evil Kiyone” is makes me wonder about these two events and how long before true colors are shown. />:)” title=”>:)” class=”bbcode_smiley” /><e></e></spoiler></p>
<p>Also, <spoiler><s><span class=explosive nosebleed, EVERYWHERE! o.o;

    Overall, the mechanics have improved over the previous two chapters, though it was a little jarring when the chapter jumped locations or times. Using some transitions like “meanwhile”, “elsewhere”, or “later” would be helpful when shifting the focus of the action. ^^v I’m also a fan of using asterisks (*) or x’s to denote major shifts in location, time, or focus. ^.^

    Kiyone had no intention of hitting Ryoko. It was merely a sign of frustration.

    You needn’t worry. The plot moves along faster in chapter 4, where it changes completly.