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    drillmaster
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    Ch. 16: No Need for Jokes

    It was early morning in Okayama, Japan and Tenchi Masaki had woken up to the sound of his alarm. He prepared himself for another day of school and went into the kitchen.

    It was odd not having Sasami around to make his daily lunches, but he knew that he was taking her for granted. He hoped that she was enjoying her stay in America. Along those same lines, he felt the house was way too quiet. It had just become…unnatural.

    When he arrived from school the previous day, Ayeka and Ryoko had vanished and there was water damage to the front of the house. Tenchi assumed that Mihoshi had picked them up for some unknown reason. His father nearly had a heart attack when he finally made it home, one that was lessened when Tenchi reminded him that Washu could just repair the damage in an instant when she got home.

    “Son, good to see you up and about so early!” Noboyuki told him as he left the house. It appeared that his father was a few steps in front of him and Tenchi didn’t even realize it.

    “Dad? What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you have left already?”

    “Tenchi, you know that this is typically when I leave, right? You are just typically too preoccupied with the girls to notice,” Noboyuki pointed out. “Have you heard anything from them since yesterday?”

    “No, not at all,” Tenchi admitted. “I hope they are okay.”

    “Please son, they are on vacation in another country. I’m sure they are having a blast!”

    *TGSTGE*

    “Well now, the gang’s all here!” The Joker chortled as Robin entered the room with Ayeka and Ryoko.

    “A circus clown? Your big enemy is a circus clown?” Ryoko stifled a laugh.

    “He doesn’t look like much,” Damian agreed.

    “Robin, I thought the girls weren’t going to come here. Weren’t they going to meet up with the other one?” Batman asked when the door closed.

    Robin leaned into a corner and crossed his arms. “They insisted on seeing this first. I obliged. It’s not like they can’t take care of themselves. What have I missed?”

    “‘Sexton’ here was in the process of explaining his grand plan to us,” Kiyone replied.

    “That I was. As I was saying, without my Batman, the real Batman, crime has no punchline. You and I Batbird, we are too much alike to find worthy sport, so I did the next best thing: I decided to fight crime.”

    “Really?” Dick deadpanned. “You expect me to believe that?”

    “I don’t expect you to believe anything I say Batfake. Why do you think I disguised myself as the writer?”

    “You know what?” The Detective Sergeant cut in. “I think I believe him.”

    “Thank you Detective! Amazing, somebody here can talk sense!” Joker laughed.

    “But Kiyone, you shouldn’t!” Mihoshi implored. “That’s The Joker! If you trust him, you’ll be hurt like Barbara was! He’s evil!”

    “I agree with Mihoshi,” Batman looked at his longtime foe. “Don’t ever believe anything that comes out of his mouth. It’s always a lie or some kind of plan to mess with our heads.”

    “I don’t think so this time,” Kiyone explained. “He’s had the opportunity to kill you several times now but he didn’t. Don’t you get it? He’s finishing his vendetta with the Black Glove! He killed all of the other members already. Who’s left?”

    “Dr. Hurt,” Batman considered it all. “I don’t like it. It makes sense, but I don’t like it.”

    “Oh Not-Batsy, you are going to have to do better than that if you are going to make it in the old cape and cowl! She gets it, why can’t you?” Joker made a mocking bow to Kiyone, who shuddered in response.

    “Well I think you’ll forgive me for keeping my guard up. How many times have you stabbed us in the back in the past?” Batman growled.

    “Literally or metaphorically?”

    With that, Commissioner James Gordon slammed open the door and entered the room with five police officers. Each of them had a loaded gun pointed on The Joker. “That’s it! Our turn! This filth cannot get away with everything he has done to this city!”

    “Commissioner, I think you and I need to talk about this. Can you spare some time? I think we may actually need to…trust him,” Dick sighed.

    Jim blinked. “You’re joking right?”

    “I’m not!” Joker chimed in.

    “Does this simpleton ever shut up?” Ayeka moaned.

    “I can say the same about you, Princess!” Ryoko jabbed at her.

    “Stop bickering you two! Kiyone and Mihoshi, I’d like you to sit in on this. Robin, Ayeka and Ryoko, stay on guard. He may, and probably WILL, try something,” Dick ordered. “That goes double for you Robin!”

    “Hey!”

    “Wait,” Ryoko asked. “You mean we have to stay here and play babysitter for a circus clown? Damn it, I thought there was going to be some kind of fight. If I had known this, I would have hit up a bar.”

    “I’ve got some scotch in the minibar!” Joker offered.

    Ryoko flew to the minibar and stared at the scotch. “Did you really think I’d be crazy enough to drink this? You probably poisoned it!”

    “No, I thought you’d be crazy enough to activate the motion sensor. I must humbly ask you to pay the bill for it at the front desk,” he grinned evilly.

    Ayeka started to laugh as Ryoko threw the scotch out of the window. “Oh, shut up Ayeka!”

    *TGSTGE*

    “You better have a good reason why you would expect me to believe a damn thing that scumbag says,” Gordon demanded in the cockpit of the Batmobile.

    “I’d like to know too!” Mihoshi agreed.

    “Listen Commissioner, it doesn’t sit right with me too, but I think Detective Sergeant Makibi here was on to something. When we get to the Bat Bunker, I’ll give you everything I have.”

    “Can I ask you all something?” Jim asked. “What are you really here for? I thought that you all were just some kind of specialists who were brought in to assist with Professor Pyg. But the one girl said the other was a ‘princess’ and I have interesting reports from the conscious Fiends that we managed to put in immediate lock up at Blackgate.”

    “You put them there already?”

    “It was a necessary precaution that the Mayor insisted upon. Something is going down Batman. All of the small gangs have fled the city. They know that there is trouble in the air. Now, are you going to acknowledge my question or am I not privy to that information?”

    Batman looked to Kiyone who gave a quick nod. “You can tell him.”

    “Bear with me here, but they are aliens who live in Japan. Kiyone and Mihoshi are space cops, Ayeka is a princess, and Ryoko is…well Ryoko,” Batman chuckled.

    The Commissioner rubbed his temples and sighed. “Aliens? From Japan? It’s not the most farfetched thing I’ve heard today. How’d you get involved here anyway Detective?”

    “Your daughter actually,” Kiyone admitted. “She put a message out as Oracle when the Anti-Life Equation hit. Professor Washu intercepted it and the two worked together to figure out how to stop it.”

    “Barbara did that?” Gordon said, impressed. Suddenly, he sneezed. “Makes her old man proud. So the pink haired girl…”

    “Is a scientific genius who is older than probably every person on this planet,” Batman answered.

    “Not Vandall Savage! He’s an immortal caveman who…”

    “Mihoshi, this planet isn’t even…you know what? It’s not important Mihoshi!” Kiyone whispered to Mihoshi. “Not now!”

    “Where is she anyway?”

    “Oh,” Mihoshi smiled. “She went back in time to get the original Batman back!” Mihoshi explained. Kiyone and Dick buried their heads in their hands while Gordon scratched his head in confusion.

    “I don’t think I want to know what she means. What I do want to know is what you all think The Joker is up to.”

    “That can be arranged. We are here Commissioner! Welcome to the Bat-Bunker!” Batman announced as Commissioner Gordon removed his blindfold. He shook his head in amazement.

    “You never cease to amaze me,” he chuckled. “Okay, I’m here in your subway station like you wanted. This is the part where you tell me why we shouldn’t lock the Joker back in Arkham Asylum.”

    “That it is. Allow me to be honest with you Commissioner. You know who I am underneath here and it is not your Batman,” he admitted.

    “True as that may be, I do think that you should know that you are doing a great job filling in. Hell, most of my cops like you more than…well him.”

    “I appreciate it the sentiments Commissioner,” Dick nodded. “But The Joker is just as competent as you. He knows that I am not ‘his’ Batman. That is critical.”

    “So, you are saying we can trust him because he’s lost the will to fight?”

    “Not at all. In fact, Kiyone here believes that he’s merely changing dance partners. Care to jump in?”

    “Certainly Batman,” Kiyone said. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to use the Bat Computer.”

    “Be my guest.”

    “Right before Darkseid made his move on the planet, Gotham City was attacked by Dr. Simon Hurt and his organization called The Black Glove. They set out to destroy the reputation of millionaire Bruce Wayne and to get rid of the Batman to make sure he did not interfere.”

    “I remember. Wayne Manor was booby trapped. It was the Black Glove and El Sombrero. I was saved by Talia al Ghul and her League of Assassins,” Gordon reminisced. “What does this have to do with The Joker?”

    “They apparently broke Joker out of Arkham and set him on Batman. However, something happened and they had a falling out. My guess is that Joker didn’t like being a part of another person’s plan. Batman disappeared that night, so did both Hurt and The Joker,” Kiyone pulled up corresponding images and Arkham security footage. Both Gordon and Mihoshi started at everything intently.

    “Wow, it all makes sense! That monster didn’t like being played by that Hurt guy and wants to join the good guys to take him down,” Mihoshi said knowingly.

    “Yes Mihoshi. That’s exactly it,” Batman sighed. “What about you Commissioner?”

    “I get it and I see why it would make sense. I’m just worried that his biggest joke would be to get us to trust him,” Jim said uneasily. He pulled out a handkerchief and blew into it.

    “Wouldn’t it be a bigger joke to actually tell the truth?” Mihoshi giggled. “It is actually kind of funny to think about.”

    Gordon and Batman exchanged glances. “This is getting us nowhere. We are talking in circles. Commissioner, it’s your city and your call.”

    The Commissioner reached for his cigarettes and played with the pack. He shuffled it around in his hands a few times and finally rubbed his eyes. “I want him monitored at all times. Keep him on a short leash! If you even smell trouble, don’t hesitate to stop him!”

    “Commissioner, this is me. I’ve been doing this for a long time. You’ve known me since I was twelve. You can count on me to handle it,” Dick pledged. “You girls up to assist Batman in the biggest case yet?”

    “Yes sir!” Kiyone and Mihoshi both said excitedly. It seemed like both girls were both just as eager to do this.

    “Good. Now that that’s been settled, we can talk Pyg.”

    *TGSTGE*

    “So what happened next Sasami?” Kara asked, with her eyes fixated on the blue haired girl.

    “Well it turned out that the ship was haunted!”

    “Wait,” Steph interjected. “What about the girl?”

    “She was a ghost!”

    “Amazing!” Kara jumped. “That’s incredible!”

    Stephanie started to laugh to herself. “That’s funny.”

    “What’s funny?” Sasami asked curiously.

    “A space ghost…that goes coast to coast on a space ship? Eh? Eh?” Stephanie looked around. Upon realizing her company, she hung her low. “You guys have no idea what I’m talking about, don’t you?”

    The two girls (and one cabbit) shook their heads.

    ‘I need some friends who are from Earth…that isn’t named Tim Drake.’

    *TGSTGE*

    “I spy with my little eye something beginning with the letter R!” Joker amusingly told nobody in particular.

    Robin, Ryoko, and Ayeka stood watch inside The Joker’s hotel room with Gordon’s men waiting outside in case of an emergency. Damian kept pacing himself around the room, continuing to stare at the corner he leaned on earlier in the night.

    “Nobody cares clown,” Damian said irritatingly.

    “What a pleasant way to spend our night! If I was with Tenchi right now, I’d…” Ryoko trailed off.

    “You’d do what Miss Ryoko? Do this? Do that?!”

    “Are you insinuating that Tenchi and I should be doing that Princess? Great idea! I’m glad you thought of it,” Ryoko snapped her fingers.

    “Ugh,” Damian groaned. Meanwhile, Joker just followed along with great interest.

    “Kid, what’s the story of the lovely ladies there? This is solid gold right here!”

    “I’m warning you, stop taking unless you have something worthwhile to say, like what you are really planning!” Damian threatened.

    “Excuse me?”

    “If Batman says that everything you say is a plan, I believe him. Makibi might make sense, but there is something you aren’t telling us. So spill it!”

    “Oh slowpoke, I’ve told you everything you need to know! The Doctor and his stooge are my last targets and then the bones will be in the yard! The Domino Killer will be no more and the Grave Digging Clown can make his merry way!”

    “Ah, see, here’s the problem with your little ‘plan.’ We aren’t going to kill Hurt, as much as I’d like to. Batman doesn’t kill!”

    “Funny how that works. Wasn’t it you who killed The Spook? What happened Baby Boy Wonder? Did you loose your nerve?”

    “Shut up!”

    “Oh, I can see it now! You’ve got it don’t you? You’ve got what Betty and Veronica over there has! So when can I meet her?”

    “Shut. Your. Mouth! Now!” Damian roared. Ryoko and Ayeka stopped fighting to monitor the situation.

    “Maybe we can have a double date! I’m sure I can find a nice young squeeze in town. Maybe Harley can forgive me trying to kill her for a night on the town! We can…”

    The Joker couldn’t finish his sentence as his jaw was immediately dislocated. Damian had grabbed a crowbar that he left in the corner and swung at him with all of his might. Ryoko and Ayeka looked shocked at the display, with Ryoko looking impressed and Ayeka looking mortified.

    “I’m not like the other Robins! I would not hesitate to leave you with severe brain damage if you dare go after the people I care about!”

    With every bloody swing of the crowbar, Joker started to writhe in pain. Ryoko held Ayeka back from interfering. “Let’s see how this plays out! This is getting good?”

    “Unhand me Ryoko! I cannot allow this continue!” Ayeka struggled.

    “Wait…mercy! Mercy! I…I was joking!” He wheezed.

    “Mercy? I was raised by the League of Assassins to kill without mercy! You didn’t show Todd or the Gordons mercy, why would I show it to you?!”

    “Robin, you must stop! What would Sasami say?” Ayeka broke free from Ryoko to stop Damian mid swing. “She would most certainly not approve of this action!”

    Damian looked at the bloody weapon and gripped it tight. “This filth has been able to get away with murdering loved ones, kidnapping infants, and ruining people’s lives all under the cover of insanity! He’s not crazy; he’s turned his life into one twisted joke!”

    “But the bigger joke would be to get you worked up to ruin your life in another way,” Ayeka explained. “You have grown much since I first met you, but you still have a lot to learn. You can be better than him.”

    “Yeah tiny…” Joker weakly chuckled. “The old maid is right. I mean…look where she’s at! What, with that Tenchi fellow at her feet I bet she knows all of the moves!”

    “How dare you!”

    “Riled you up, eh? Maybe you are just jealous I didn’t think to…to invite the two of you to our..double date? I’d have to ask that sashimi chick first but…oh no.”

    Damian and instinctively brought the crowbar up to strike again. “Robin, that’s not the way to go about doing this!” Ayeka sternly told him.

    At once, little logs appeared from nowhere and surrounded the bleeding Clown Prince of Crime. “What…why are there little lawn ornaments floating around me?”

    “This, Boy Wonder, is how you handle the situation,” Ayeka adopted a stern look to her face. A small murderous grin snuck its way on there as Joker’s form began to become electrocuted.

    “Damn Princess, I didn’t think you had in you!” Ryoko laughed. “I forgot how you get when you get that crossed!”

    “Quiet Ryoko, or you will be next!” Ayeka admonished her as she set about her retribution.

    Damian sat there dumbfounded. Here he was in the middle of getting scolded one second for attacking his father’s most hated enemy, and all of a sudden the Jurain Princess stepped in and continued where he left off. He could not help but grin as the Harlequin of Hate writhed in pain. “I hate to admit it, but my respect for you is growing every second Princess.”

    “Please dear, call me Ayeka,” Ayeka told him over the laughing and screaming. “As for you, I believe we still haven’t gotten the point across. Ryoko, would you like to try explaining it a different way?”

    “Would I?!” Ryoko yelled excitedly.

    “Help…help me!” The Joker weakly yelled to the cops on the other side of the door.

    Faintly, a voice responded. “Nah, screw him.”

    *TGSTGE*

    “So you think that all of us are infected with whatever crap Professor Pyg designed when you first put him away?” Commissioner Gordon asked worryingly.

    “That’s what we think. Professor Washu left a program to develop an vaccination to counter it before she left, so it should be ready to synthesize in about three days: just in time for the solar eclipse,” Batman explained.

    “What does that have anything to do with anything?” Gordon asked.

    “These people are crazy. I have no doubt that it will factor into their plans somehow. Commissioner, I think it may be best to keep the city on quarantine. If Pyg’s virus is let loose, we don’t want it to leave the town.”

    “Smart idea Batman. What’s the plan?”

    “We need to get you back to HQ. Mihoshi and Kiyone, stay here and keep in contact with Oracle. She can patch you into me or Robin,” Batman ordered.

    “You can count on us!” Mihoshi said.

    “What should we do about Robin and the others?” Kiyone asked.

    “I’m sure if they needed our help one of the Commissioner’s men would text us. Robin is too proud to ask for help and the girls have no idea what to do, but the other cops should keep us in the loop if there was trouble,” Batman said as he hopped back into the cockpit.

    “I’ve been texting Lieutenant Bilbao. He told me it got loud at one point, but they have been keeping it under control, whatever that means,” Gordon shrugged. “When this is all over, do you mind if I ask you ladies a few questions? It’s rare that I meet a person from another planet that’s not wearing tights.”

    “We’d be glad to,” Kiyone smiled.

    Just then, a siren wailed from the Batmobile. An electronic female voice echoed throughout the halls of the Bat Bunker: “A major security breach is occurring at Blackgate Penitentiary. A major security breach is…”

    “What?!” Gordon cried. “What the hell does that mean?!”

    “It means Hurt has made his move. Why do you think that the Mayor wanted the 99 Fiends in Blackgate?The Mayor is probably working for the Black Glove! After all, it’s not like there isn’t another high profile prisoner there…” Batman started the Batmobile in a frenzy.

    “Pyg…oh Christ,” Jim whispered to himself.

    “Girls, contact Robin and Oracle. Make sure Barbara knows to keep Sasami where she is!” Batman barked. “It’s not safe! Tell the others to regroup immediately! It’s time to put Joker’s money where his mouth is!”

    *TGSTGE*

    In another area of Gotham, a lone figure stirs in the shadows.

    Though he had only arrived in the city mere hours before, this was not a man arriving as a tourist. Rather, this was a king reclaiming his kingdom after a long crusade. He sat on his throne and viewed his prize: a wooden box marked with a bat.

    The Casket of Barbatos.

    “You will set the remaining Fiends free from their prison and cause as much chaos as you can,” the figure had instructed his remaining knights.

    “Yes sir. What about the Professor?” the spokesman for the knights inquired.

    “Release him as well and give him this gift. I hope it fits him comfortably. He always works better when he is comfortable,” he grinned in the darkness as he handed the man a pink mask. “Now tell me again about the confrontation in the Garden of Death.”

    The masses stirred in anger. “One at a time, one at a time!” he ordered.

    “We were challenged by the boy and the writer, but were later assaulted by four women from the heavens.”

    “Describe them.”

    “The ones that could fly had long purple hair and spiky silver hair,” he bowed. “The two that couldn’t had blue and blonde hair. They overcame us with great power.”

    “Silver spiky hair?” the man in the shadows paused to consider this new information. “Did you catch a name for this fair maiden?”

    “No, we did not.”

    “Fear not. This is an unexpected development, but one that can be used to my advantage. I sensed a great deal of potential in her…”

    The man got up and poured himself a glass of wine, which he gripped tightly in his black gloved hand. As he sipped at it, one of the knights robed him in his ceremonial black cape and mask. “Ryoko…that was her name.”

    “What will you do with her?”

    Dr. Simon Hurt drank deep from his goblet. “The same thing as I will do to this city: corrupt her and break her down. They have all fallen into the grip of the Black Glove…with no chance of escaping unscathed. Now go; we can’t begin until our co-star is here to work!”

    With less than three days until the solar eclipse, the shadow of darkness has descended upon the city. Madness looms in every corner and hope appears to dwindle away with each passing moment. Can Batman and Robin overcome the odds and defeat the personification of the devil?

    Place your bets.