My fic "Tenchi Muyo in love 3"

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    • November 30, 2011 at 11:10 PM
    Kiyoka
    Member
    Bit of an odd title considering there’s no romance in this. I named it because I wanted to to resemble the titles of the Tenchi verse (well the movies) as close as possible. Plus I didn’t want to spoil anything. I’ve been working on this for 6+ years. A very long time I know. I’m a perfectionist and loyal to the Tenchi verse. It means so much more than just a mere animation. I love it to bits. Yes its been a long time since I updated the fic, but I have my reasons. Doesn’t mean to say I completly avoided it. Slowly I’ve been working back into it and over the years have worked on the plot with a fine tooth comb.

    Chapter 3 is almost done, but since the majority of it was written years ago I’m editing it. I’ve changed since chapter 2 was done. Friends have said I’ve gotten better, and I hope it shows in the coming chapters. Well, maybe when we get to chapter 4 where the “fun” begins. I don’t mean that in nice way either.

    Chapter 4 is nearly done also, but again its going over a major edit.

    But hey I wont leave you in the dark about my recent writting. Without spoiling the plot here is a sample

    A leak of voices in waves of drips splashed against her ear drum. Not long enough in length to dicipher. As evident of a leak in time, it widened and now the voices flooded the ear canal. It was now like being submerged. The voices were muffled and unclear. Kiyone’s eyes flickered back and forth in the torrent. Strings of words and sounds were fished from the raging river of voices. Only the broken mind pieced together sentances

    http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2780107/1/bTenchi_b_bMuyo_b_in_blove_b_b3_b

    *bow* Soon as I finish and have the 3rd chapter proof read I’ll update.

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      • December 1, 2011 at 10:31 PM
      wwwwhhhhoooo
      Moderator
      none
      The first chapter was wonderful! You’ve got a real knack for crafting a narrative in such a way as to make it feel very authentic to the characters we’re all familiar with. Every line of character dialogue I read, I could hear that character saying the lines in my head. Kiyone, Ryoko Washu Tenchi… I could hear Matt Miller or K T Vogt saying those lines! & I could definitely picture the plot to this chapter as an episode in Universe. Very well done, thank you for sharing.
      • December 2, 2011 at 4:08 PM
      Kiyoka
      Member

      wwwwhhhhoooo wrote:

      The first chapter was wonderful! You’ve got a real knack for crafting a narrative in such a way as to make it feel very authentic to the characters we’re all familiar with. Every line of character dialogue I read, I could hear that character saying the lines in my head. Kiyone, Ryoko Washu Tenchi… I could hear Matt Miller or K T Vogt saying those lines! & I could definitely picture the plot to this chapter as an episode in Universe. Very well done, thank you for sharing.

      Thank you for the kind comments :D

      Glad to hear I got the characters right. I suppose it makes It easier by having a small amount of their personalities within you. Well maybe not as.. Dense as Mihoshi or Tenchi lol. I’d say Kiyone is the hardest to do because she’s a little bit mysterious and not a clear personality like the others.

      The plot changes after the 3rd. Drastically in the 5th, so let’s see what you say then about it clearly fitting in Universe ;)

      It’s embarrassing to re read that chapter after so long. Wow have I changed. Nowadays I’ve cut back on too much unnecessary descriptive wording. Cant say the 2nd is better off. Still, haven’t read that in a while. Hope you enjoy the 2nd chapter too on there!

      • December 3, 2011 at 2:19 PM
      Kiyami
      Participant
      none
      I remember reading the first chapter or two of your story ages ago when it was newly posted to fanfiction.net and really liking it. Must admit I haven’t read it recently but I will at some point. I do like how it’s written. Only thing I remember is some grammar/spelling issues but since we have different spellings (uk/us) perhaps some of it was right (I was like 15 when I read this, didn’t know). It’s just important to keep on going with your story :p and it’s good that you haven’t given up on it at all.
      • December 3, 2011 at 6:38 PM
      Kiyoka
      Member

      Mittens wrote:

      I remember reading the first chapter or two of your story ages ago when it was newly posted to fanfiction.net and really liking it. Must admit I haven’t read it recently but I will at some point. I do like how it’s written. Only thing I remember is some grammar/spelling issues but since we have different spellings (uk/us) perhaps some of it was right (I was like 15 when I read this, didn’t know). It’s just important to keep on going with your story :p and it’s good that you haven’t given up on it at all.

      Ha make me feel like its been a decade why don’t you :P

      I quickly read through the first chapter and saw a few spelling errors. My grammar has always been my weak point bleh. I’m English and will be using my words so bear that in mind.

      Can’t wait to show you more recent works then if you liked it :)

      • January 2, 2012 at 5:16 PM
      wwwwhhhhoooo
      Moderator
      none
      Guess what??? I read chapter 2 … :mrgreen:

      & I gotta’ say I loved it. I think it’s good you don’t want to have too much dialogue, but when you do it sounds very authentic to the characters. The scene I have particularly in mind was the dialogue between Ryoko & Ayeka in the onsen; Ryoko’s always ‘bleh’ about details (not concerning Tenchi) & Ayeka’s usually the one to be concerned about any new happenings in the house. Washu’s ‘mission’ to find Kiyone… XD great stuff, look forward to more (no hurry though!)

      • January 2, 2012 at 10:04 PM
      Kiyoka
      Member

      wwwwhhhhoooo wrote:

      Guess what??? I read chapter 2 … :mrgreen:

      & I gotta’ say I loved it. I think it’s good you don’t want to have too much dialogue, but when you do it sounds very authentic to the characters. The scene I have particularly in mind was the dialogue between Ryoko & Ayeka in the onsen; Ryoko’s always ‘bleh’ about details (not concerning Tenchi) & Ayeka’s usually the one to be concerned about any new happenings in the house. Washu’s ‘mission’ to find Kiyone… XD great stuff, look forward to more (no hurry though!)

      I’m glad you got through reading that. I couldn’t now. I didn’t really know how to write descriptive writting well then. How to capture the reader with vivid descriptions of actions and such. I’ll be happy when I finally get chapter 4 out. That’s where I excel at, whats in that chapter!

      I easily know Tearatone’s chapters are better than my first two in terms of writting. Trust me :plank:

      • January 31, 2012 at 1:14 AM
      Kiyoka
      Member

      Shadaloo wrote:

      I found a picture for chapter 3 for ya

      http://i.imgur.com/gMo0S.jpg" />

      Wrong chapter dude

      • March 24, 2012 at 6:52 PM
      evilpii
      Participant
      none
      Finally, I have read the first two chapters of Kiyoka’s Tenchi Muyo! in Love 3. I apologize for the supreme delay in doing so, as well as my failure to produce Evil Kiyone and Dark Ayeka fan art. ^^;

      The first chapter seemed a bit cryptic during an initial reading. It wasn’t until the end of chapter that I was certain that this was set in Universe continuity some time after TM!iL1. During the reading, I humored the idea that “Future Kiyone” might be from Universe continuity and mistakenly dropped into the OVA continuity. Considering the date of publish, I considered the possibility she might run across Noike and do something about her… />:)” title=”>:)” class=”bbcode_smiley” /> Perhaps some other spacetime shenanigans can handle that. ^-^v</p> <p>My main question for the chapter was why Tenchi wouldn’t recognize Future Kiyone. She is described as having her hair tied back with the goggles/shades from <i><s><i></i></s>TM!iL2<e></e></i>, but does this really change her enough for him not to recognize her? True, it works for Clark Kent, so I can’t complain too much. <img decoding= Overall the chapter read like a Universe script with plenty of situation comedy between Ryoko, Ayeka, and Sasami, which goes pretty well. ^^v

      Chapter 2 continues a lot of that comedy. It was amusing to imagine Future Kiyone running from Washu in a “Tex Avery”-like chase. ^^v Though the plot itself is not progressed much, a few hints of overarching ideas seem to be mentioned, namely Tenchi’s exams, perhaps college entrance, and the necessity of repair to the spacetime controller. Arguably, Washu could be lying to stall Future Kiyone.

      The grammar seemed to need some work, though I believe Chapter 2 was better in that respect than Chapter 1. Some of that might be explained through the differences in English between the U.K. and the U.S. I’m curious to see where this leads as little has been divulged in these two chapters. I have yet to see this “Evil Kiyone” for whom the author is so known. ^^; I was mildly disappointed by that and hope this will change in future chapters. ^_-

      • March 24, 2012 at 8:18 PM
      Kiyoka
      Member

      evilpii wrote:

      Finally, I have read the first two chapters of Kiyoka’s Tenchi Muyo! in Love 3. I apologize for the supreme delay in doing so, as well as my failure to produce Evil Kiyone and Dark Ayeka fan art. ^^;

      The first chapter seemed a bit cryptic during an initial reading. It wasn’t until the end of chapter that I was certain that this was set in Universe continuity some time after TM!iL1. During the reading, I humored the idea that “Future Kiyone” might be from Universe continuity and mistakenly dropped into the OVA continuity. Considering the date of publish, I considered the possibility she might run across Noike and do something about her… />:)” title=”>:)” class=”bbcode_smiley” /> Perhaps some other spacetime shenanigans can handle that. ^-^v</p> <p>My main question for the chapter was why Tenchi wouldn’t recognize Future Kiyone. She is described as having her hair tied back with the goggles/shades from <i><s><i></i></s>TM!iL2<e></e></i>, but does this really change her enough for him not to recognize her? True, it works for Clark Kent, so I can’t complain too much. <img decoding= Overall the chapter read like a Universe script with plenty of situation comedy between Ryoko, Ayeka, and Sasami, which goes pretty well. ^^v

      This takes place between TMIL and Tenchi Forever. So this is why he doesn’t recognise her.

      Quote:

      Chapter 2 continues a lot of that comedy. It was amusing to imagine Future Kiyone running from Washu in a “Tex Avery”-like chase. ^^v Though the plot itself is not progressed much, a few hints of overarching ideas seem to be mentioned, namely Tenchi’s exams, perhaps college entrance, and the necessity of repair to the spacetime controller. Arguably, Washu could be lying to stall Future Kiyone.

      The grammar seemed to need some work, though I believe Chapter 2 was better in that respect than Chapter 1. Some of that might be explained through the differences in English between the U.K. and the U.S. I’m curious to see where this leads as little has been divulged in these two chapters. I have yet to see this “Evil Kiyone” for whom the author is so known. ^^; I was mildly disappointed by that and hope this will change in future chapters. ^_-

      Grammar is my weakest point. But I don’t care. Proof readers correct it for me. I’m grateful my weakness isn’t something that cannot be changed by proof reading.

      Chapter 3 is 90% done. I went back and changed alot, removed scenes. All making it up to date with my current skill. I just need to find a proof reader.

      Oh and I have wrote a little of Evil Kiyone already. I mean, I need to nail her character down now rather than when I “need” to write her. I am constantly asking myself when I write her speech “Is this something Kiyone would say with an evil twist?” The unfortunate part to this is you wont really see her till *thinks* chapter 6.

      • March 24, 2012 at 9:14 PM
      chucklocker
      Participant
      none
      Hey Kiyoka I’ve read your two posted chapters and I enjoyed them!

      I agree with pii in that the grammar threw me off the most. I totally get that grammar isnt your strong point, it wasnt mine either until I became a history student and we had it drilled into our skulls. If you are looking for a proof-reader I would gladly offer my services. Now to the review:

      I think that you captured the dynamic of the Masaki houshold very well, especially the Ryoko and Ayeka bits. Clarity is an issue at some points, but I understand that you have grown a lot as a writer since you wrote this and I’m sure this isnt a problem anymore. Well thats the short version, must post now or loose an eye. Longer one will follow if you so desire, or threaten my other eye.

      • March 24, 2012 at 9:37 PM
      chucklocker
      Participant
      none
      Ok, now that my eyesight is safe (for now) I can elaborate a bit more.

      Like I said, you’ve definately got the Masaki house and it’s many characters down well. I was definately entertained by the Ryoko and Ayeka shennanigans, and Washu chasing Kiyone was fun. I think that for a novel length piece the plot is progressing at a relatively nice pace, youve got the setting in place along with the characters, and I am noticing some hints as to future conflict sprinkled throughout such as Tenchi noticing a difference in Kiyone’s eyes. Plot developement is good, as I said, I can see the length reaching a good length if it follows the current pacing. As I said earlier, clarity is sometimes an issue as I have to guess at what you meant to say, but only at certain times and not throughout the whole thing. I am interested in how you plan on unleashing “evil” Kiyone, as I can see several good ways in my mind.

      All in all, I am impressed with what you have written so far, especially since it was written so long ago. I really want to see how your style has grown since then, and as I said before I would be happy to be a proof reader if you cant find anyone. If you want I could proof read what you have written so far and you can see if you like the way I do it. Can’t wait for the next update!

      • June 24, 2013 at 4:48 PM
      shadowsfall0
      Participant
      none
      I’ve just completely finished the first chapter, and re-read it to make sure I had everything fully comprehended and I have to say it is an excellent job! :D

      I will echo what many of the others said; you do have the way to make the characters say exactly what we would expect them to say. I could hear the characters’ voices as I through.

      I noticed that some stuff was misspelled but like i read on this thread, words are different in the U.K. than in the U.S in general, and it doesnt take away from the main plot or jest of the story you’ve created.

      Again it’s really well done and I will read the other chapters when I can. I look forward to seeing this continue and so far, this is definitely something I would watch if it was to be adapted. :Tenchismile:

      "For the curse of life is the curse of want. And so, you peer... Into the fog, in hope of answers."
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