The chronicles of durjaya act 1 Ovetures and secrecy. 18+

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    for first i would like to mention that this fanfiction contains sexual themes, i do not detail these themes to full fledged sexual details, only enough to engage the reader into the story and to understand the characters intentions and persona’s.

    oh Dear must i begin with a Disclaimer?

    Spy: i think not.

    oh good i was worried that it would disrupt the natural flow of the story let alone distract the rea-……

    SPY!!!!!!!!!

    goddamn spies.

    anyway lets get it over with.

    *DISCLAIMER*

    I shadowmann2330, do not own any rights to tenchi muyo, Tenchi universe or any other Pioneer franchise. I do not own the rights to Freespace: the great war, or Freespace 2. Any and all theories in regards to: subspace subspace nodes, subspace portals, the meaning of life itself, or the Shivan race belong to me and I reserve the right so ask before using my ideas. Or face the wrath of DA’s art police.

    //Authors notes\

    // Throughout the chapters I will occasionally place notes about things not related to the story\

    // these notes will break the fourth wall and if you do not wish to read with them on Click on the link in\

    //the description and a note less version of the chapter will be provided for you.\

    //authors notes will begin and end with “//” and “\”.\

    The Chronicles of Durjaya chapter 1.

    Act 1:

    Overtures and secrecy.

    In Space there is thought to be a countless number of stars; from the newly birthed, to the decrepitly old; suns range in the hundreds of billions in the Milky way galaxy alone.//I haven’t the slightest idea how many there actually are please forgive me.\ When a star dies either it explodes, creates a massive crush of gravitational pressure, known as a black hole. The most common death of a star is that of a nebula. The star radiates outwards creating a massive particle field, many times larger than its former kin. This cloud-like formation is often referred to as “soup” and is extremely volatile as the name suggests; causing electrical signals and radio waves to become scrambled. This is the main reason why the Lucifer was stationed here; to observe and patrol the nebula. At roughly 3 kilometers long, the Lucifer class super destroyer orbits the nearby structure. The structure remains motionless, except for the objects rotating along its 1.5 kilometer radius, reaching upwards of 200 parasects per minute.//1 parasect=10 kilometers\ the 6 objects consist of two sizes: the larger rotating at 127 parasects per minute, in a counter-clockwise motion. The smaller and faster objects rotate in the opposite manner. The two types come within a mere 15 meters of each other, the objects are shaped to allow the continued rotation for nearly 300 million years before required maintenance. Inside the portal lies a twisting, swirling, nearly invisible dimensional wormhole. These subspace nodes act as a doorway into subspace, an alternate dimension which allows for interstellar travel. The scene changes from the overview of nearby space, focusing on the super destroyer. The massive 3 kilometer ship is armed with 23 energy turrets 29 flak cannons, and 2 forward prototype beam cannons; each capable of punching through armor plating of even destroyer class warships with ease. The Lucifer was once considered the greatest warship in the universe, crushing the terran and vasudan home worlds after single handedly destroying both individual armadas. The turrets of the Lucifer glow a placid red, armed but dormant, the ship itself is adorned with black hull plating and red electrical system. The scene changes as the view ducts through the winding fighterbay enclosing upon a very odd spectacle.

    Docked among its alien counterparts, sits a tan fighter seemingly made out of wood; it stands out like a road flare in a haystack. Inside the fighter sits a tall Terran man, he is wearing an environmental suit, adorned with several medals and ribbons.//at this point I I’d like to end the descriptions of the surroundings. Mainly because Im afraid my readers will become to absorbed in the environment that they will ignore the characters description. I’d rather have the description of a location take the spotlight once the reader has learned of the main character a little more.\ His hair shines a bright pink, complementing his deep blue eyes sharpening his irritation.

    “I never understand terrans.” Said the figure “Why they would waste their time with hair coloring and makeup is beyond me” the man said.

    He added “ All this skin powder and makeup is so unnecessary; I’m amazed he managed to leave the fighter bay!”

    the male begins to remove large amounts of makeup with his spit. As he wiped futilely at the oils, a wave of emotion and heat surges through his persona.

    “You should stop squirming.” Thought a voice. “The Jurians will see through your new body.”

    The man expression turns into astonishment as he swivels his head, searching the fighter bay for the source of the message.

    “Up here handsome” came the voice.

    Looking upwards he sees another tan fighter, it’s wood like hull shining with a sickening red glare, from the fighterbay. Unfortunately for him the cockpit of the treefighters is fully exposed; to allow 360 degree vision for its operator. There staring downward with ruby eyes sits a pale figure, with a curved slim waistline contrasted by saturated silver hair and a very generous bosom. Crimson flooded the male’s face as he looked away

    <”At least the Jurians got the view right”> he thought to himself as he readied a response.

    “I assume you are to be my co-pilot?” he sent.

    “I’m more than your escort, high command has altered the mission”. She replied “I am your commanding officer.”

    The male observes the second fighter with confusion “I was told that command only captured one recon fighter.” he sent.

    She responded with disdain “the Lucifer intercepted the fighter shortly after your wing captured the first, its pilot managed to kill herself before we could extract all her memories.”

    The male looked upward in shock “How are you going to impersonate her if you don’t have her persona??” he sent.

    Once again the Jurain’s becomes flushed; the female had positioned herself so he could see her genitalia.

    <”She is toying with me”> he thought. “And how are you going to fool the Jurians, if you exit the fighter without one of their environment suits?” he added hastily, hoping to catch her off guard.

    The male looks up with a sneer on his face, which melts to surprise; the wooden-fighter above is illuminated with interior lights revealing the pale skinned fiend dressed in a skin tight environment suit. His mind began to race picking memory from facts,

    “you must be one of two shivans in existence. If you are Mahakala you used you innate ability to slow time allowing you to change into the suit. Therefore you must ha—“

    his eyes found hers, small and amazed “You managed to piece that much information in less than a sixteenth of a second!” she replied as she stood “when I read your military report, I believed your reaction speed to be exaggerated. The report stated you also have the highest marks in intelligence as well.”

    “allow me to introduce myself” she sent as her form begins to change, her facial features melting into a flat surface; along with the environmental suit. Then blonde hair begins to shoot from the surface of the skin engulfing the entire body in nanoseconds. Only the ruby eyes remained staring coldly, but intriguingly at the pink haired jurain. The male barely had time to focus on the super-nominal changes before the fur paled and melted into cyan tinted scales, stained with blood. The figures hands began to develop sharpened points, but then reformed into hands pale and slim, before the claws could fully form, the scales barely finished tracing themselves reverted to the environmental suit. 4 more forms passed before the entity jumps in surprise at an unexpected response, its featureless face rearing in astonishment.

    “After considering both possibilities I have determined that they lack a single constant. For the entire duration of your display you have revealed the only factor that cannot change is that of your eyes.” He stated as the figure melts into the green haired jurian.

    “Therefore you can only be Rudraksha, eyes of the predator. The fastest shape-changer currently among the shivan empire. It is truly an honor to be in your presence.” As the male stood and bowed to Rudraksha.

    “< Truly, Truly remarkable>” Rudraksha thought to herself “

    She seats herself before sending “Simply amazing, I am curious however, your speech implies that you thought of both possibilities before simultaneously discarding them and thinking of a new one.”

    The male nods as he responds “I am called Durjaya, my lady, I have been given the unfortunate honor of being nicknamed as unvanquished by the older generations.”

    “I am also the inventor of the subspace drive, I am a survivor of the Cappela incident, and I have served 2,762,231 years in the shivan empire.”

    His final thought came only a moment later “I am ready to begin my integration exam into the wardens.”

    “I Durjaya Arabasti, hereby declare myself willing to become a sentinel warden.”

    Rudraksha bowed in response. “It is an honor to meet a shivan who served in Cappela, I am grateful for your long service to the goddess and her divine ways.” She sent

    “Now that the formalities are out of the way maybe we can begin discussing our target…” Rudraksha halted as the main thrusters of the jurian recon fighters roared to life.

    “Lucifer bridge to Cancer 1 and 2; You are now cleared for launch, Warden-Sentinel Rudraksha. Good luck on your mission Warden-apprentice Durjaya; may the goddess grant you foresight, and wisdom.”

    Both fighters lifted from their docked and begin to autopilot slowly away from the fighter bay.

    <“Very intriguing”> thought Rudraksha < “Very intriguing indeed.”>

    *****


    ********

    okay that is the end of act one of chapter 1 of the durjaya chronicles.

    i would really appreciate any comments any of you can make, criticism is welcome good or bad i find both constructive.

    if you want to flame me i am alright with it, just provide some info as to why you chose to flame me.

    as was requested i have some shots of the three ships introuduced in this act, i think this may be an alternate way of better explaining just how large these vessels are, and how they look

    i will make several attempts to keep this from becoming a movie on paper, only some of the larger ships will be presented with pictures, this will not keep me from describing them to the best of my abilty in the storyline however. its simply a matter of detail, its too hard to take the time to describe the lucifer and the subspace portal in too much detal, THERE JUST TOO HUGE

    This is the lucifer from the Bow:
    http://www.hard-light.net/wiki/images/RScreen0023.jpg” class=”bbcode_url”>http://www.hard-light.net/wiki/images/RScreen0023.jpg
    it shows off the massive prototype beamcannons and gives it a fearsome first glance!

    Best Regards, shadowmann2330

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      wwwwhhhhoooo
      Moderator
      none
      Sorry if I’m not of much help, but since I’m not really familiar at all with free space fiction, but I’ll just give you my very general overview of what you’ve submitted thus far (I myself am a bit of a writer, so I know it’s nice to get some recognition and/or constructive criticism.

      You’ve got a good writing style, I will say that. It is difficult to find a fine line–as you mentioned in your footnotes–between being descriptive enough, yet not being too descriptive as to take away the spotlight from your character(s)/ the plot unfolding in front of the reader. I for one appreciate your descriptions: 1) because I’m not familiar with the ships/alien species outside of Tenchi realm, & 2) I think I just prefer more details than too few in a novel; that to me is one of the advantages of reading–you can get far more details than from a film/tv show or anything else. I also like the third person viewpoint (I’m guessing third-person limited, haven’t read whole story obviously) alot of advantages, allows for alot of character/environment descriptions yet gives reader insight to main character’s (Durjaya I’m assuming) thoughts/feelings.

      Overall seems very good; I apologize if this seemed too generic, but I honestly don’t really have anything I can criticize right now: I’ve never been one to be too nit-picky in terms of style/wording, to me that’s just an author’s own style, signature, flavor if you will. The one thing for me personally, again, is unfortunately I am unfamiliar with the fiction (free space, right?) you are referencing, which is almost a requirement to read something like this. (Perhaps in the future, on forum anyways, include more footnotes/background for some of the ships/characters. Or are these meant to be unknown at the time? I guess this is just an excerpt after all. If it is, disregard that last comment ^-^.

      Anyways, even though I’m unfamiliar with the fiction, I have in my youth read alot of novels from the EU of star wars, so I know that if one brushes up on the fiction of the universe they’re in, there is ALOT of potential for stories of all new characters to be told (in universe of Tenchi Muyo imo as well) & it looks like you’re taking full advantage of that.

      Hope this helped somewhat, I’ll read more if you post it, good luck with any future writing!

      i appreciate you critque my freind, and i am prepaird to make some changes to my writing style if it suits the needs of my current readers:

      for one i will be instigating a new feature, i intend to add photos of ships/other large scale objects under a spoiler button at the bottom of the page.

      as for your lack of knowledge in the freespace(no spaces in freespace){lol} department, its not very critical that you need to know about freespace ot get a feel for this fiction, simply beacuse the ailen race known as the shivans is never explained beyond their miltaristic power. nothing about their society as a whole is EVER revealed, making it a basic template for my daily daydreams.

      and as a result of 21 years of staring out the window, i have successfully created a sensible shivan society.

      i cannot reveal much now but rest assured that all will be explained in due time, particuarly in the next act i wil explain much further into the story.

      i truly do appretiate your honesty WHO and i hope that your critice grows as does my fanfiction abilitys.

      i will fix act one now……

      and bay now i mean tommmowar when i have moar scrumpey

      …im…gonata lick ya………………. :fight:

      well after some consideration i do belive i am going to include some photographic evidence in my next act hopefully this won’t tear into my readers as being too cheap. i will continue to describe the vessels to the best of my ability but i don’t feel that adding footnotes will allow the story to flow, as well as a picture could(this is ALL conjecjur of course im still new to this internet writing thing.) well you will see these improvement in act two, of chapter 1 just beacuese……IM LAZY yeah thats my style…

      not much motivation is coming to me to edit my first act. mainly beacuse im sure readers aren’t going to go re-read the fic just to get a better understanding of the Lucifer,

      gah ill do it anyway just cause i love you guys! :scared:

      For Washuu
      Participant
      none
      First thing, and you might have already corrected this:

      NEVER switch tense on the reader. You went from past to present and back I think twice. One time, I know, hurt to read.

      (Mind you, I don’t mean if you’re going to do a frametale or if it’s within conversation. I’m referring to narrative only. ;) )

      As for backing, I take it this is a crossover of Tenchi Muyo and Descent Freespace/Freespace II (Or Conflict: Freespace, if you’re nitpickety). It would seem that you’re developing your own plot and characters within the Jurai and Shivan systems without bothering the original characters.

      And, I might add, you’re taking a GREAT liberty in these:

      You make it so that the Jurians and Shivans can communicate. (The whole renegade commander in FS2 was about trying to translate their language.)

      You (apparently) make the Shivans a land-based civilization, when they were most likely space-based in the games.

      You make the Shivans shape-shifters, rather than octoplegic. (or was is hexa or para? 8,6,4 legs?)

      You make the Shivans emotional. (Otherwise Rudraksha wouldn’t toy with the pilot.)

      Now, IF you are taking these liberties, then I say it was GREAT! :mrgreen: [thumbs up!] Just because you’re using Shivans doesn’t mean you have to be accurate to the game, and really, I hope you DON’T. There’s already been 2 games out, and the Shivan’s weren’t the most entertaining in them. So, please, do beef up their social skills a bit. :D

      Oh, yeah. Unless you’re going to make a lemon, or a genius and can make a lime worth reading, don’t bother with sexual content. It’s pretty much just a distraction if it’s casually thrown out there and then disregarded. :|

      Overall (and tense aside), I give it a 4/5 potential, 3/5 as it is now.

      Keep it up!

      ookamilord
      Participant
      i seem to enjoy it and i came a little late to the fan fic stuff but over all i enjoyed it and i have no clue about the shivans and it made me want to know more about this race.
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