TMIL3: Chapter 3

I noticed that Future Kiyone’s temper seemed noticeably shorter this chapter. Perhaps it was all the annoyance from Ryoko and Ayeka, but it seemed rather extreme for her to lash out physically at Ryoko. Similarly, she called to herself when she got instantly drunk from Washu’s liquor. Knowing some rumors about what “Evil Kiyone” is makes me wonder about these two events and how long before true colors are shown. explosive nosebleed, EVERYWHERE! o.o;

Overall, the mechanics have improved over the previous two chapters, though it was a little jarring when the chapter jumped locations or times. Using some transitions like “meanwhile”, “elsewhere”, or “later” would be helpful when shifting the focus of the action. ^^v I’m also a fan of using asterisks (*) or x’s to denote major shifts in location, time, or focus. ^.^

This chapter along with the previous has shown once again your ability to create dialogue and describe behaviors that sound so believable and true to their corresponding characters. I think you being a Kiyo fan may really aid in that…not that I’m stereotyping (well, maybe I am a bit, but hear me out) but if this scenario were written by an Ayeka or Ryoko fan (which I am obviously) I don’t know if it would have turned out as well as it did. Ryoko and Ayeka’s dialogue and behavior seemed so authentic, as though taken through the eyes of a more objective third party (which obviously this is third person, so I’m sure you’re striving for that objectivity in a way) kind of how I imagine Kiyone’s–a smart, level-headed [usually…lol] collected person–take on a typical Ryoko/Ayeka fight…not really taking sides, just seeing them as the pointless squabbles that they so often truly are.

And on top of that, as a Ryoko fan I think you did a superb job with her in particular–yeah she’s a trouble-maker sometimes, but 1) she really cares about Tenchi & is the main source of her troublemaking pursuits (as exemplified by her apologizing to Tenchi in that adorable, sheepish way she does–nice job btw) & 2) even though she teased Kiyone (the breasts bit was pretty funny, I dunno why lol) when Kiyone was slobbering drunk, she of course does the right thing & takes her up to her room to put her to bed, because that’s what friends do when friends are sh*tfaced 😆

Speaking of Kiyone drunk… OMG!!! You actually wrote it in!!! She was yelling at a door! 😆 😆 😆 that bit was hilarious, & Washu’s line about putting her to bed before she argues with another inanimate object…priceless!

Great work Kiyoka thank you so much for sharing keep us posted on future works!

Chapter 1:

Ok so I’m generally a “bad first then good to end” type of person, so the first chapter has a few spelling and grammar errors (which is no big deal, but it does especially get more prominent towards the last paragraphs)

Most notably Tenchi saying “I thought you was a stranger”, aside from it being grammatically wrong, I chuckled a bit when I read it in my mind because I can only imagine Matt Millers voice attempting , to me, either a southern draw or a gangster-esque voice because of the wording of the sentence. “I thought you were a stranger”

Now onto the good side, I REALLY love where the concept is going, bringing back of course the time machine, but giving it a bit of taste from the future is a nice “old dog, new tricks” type feel. All of the characters as well are spot on in characterization, using Kiyone as the “Guinea Pig” is also believable because bad luck just seems to follow her with Mihoshi. So as for Chapter 1, great, great stuff.

Chapter 2

Again, bad before good, (I’m reading all of these from your fanfiction.net account) but still quite a few grammatical errors and misspellings “retched” instead of “wretched” as well as a “you was” again, lol

The one thing that really got me was the scene where Kiyone reminisces about the good times they had while being in the floating hot springs again. In time-travel stories and the like, I always love scenes where characters from the future look back fondly on scenes of the past (Nostalgia you can see) and relaying that, generally cryptically, to characters from the past.

The build-up is moving along well and it was nice to get in the heads of the other characters even if briefly.

Chapter 3

First and foremost (as I’ve started with each chapter) punctuation and grammar has gotten CONSIDERABLY better, good job.

Though I will agree with Pii on this one, the part where Kiyone lashes out at Ryoko at the boiling point, to me, was out of character for both Kiyone but also slightly for Ryoko. Ryoko plays with people sure, but while I can see her pushing the subject, I don’t think she would push it near to that level, and again, to me, she would be defeated much quicker in picking up that Kiyone was uncomfortable and not budging, then to go initiating reactions from Ayeka as quick as possible, lol.

The part of Tenchi drinking was also off to me, because throughout every series, he’s been steadfast not to drink, in fantasy foreshadowing and other such illusions sure, but I felt that just wasn’t Tenchi.

So overall It felt like you were pushing the boundaries of the characters in chapter 3 to push the plot along, and it worked, and I can accept it and thought it was good, but I personally wouldn’t want to see it happen multiple times.

The biggest plus though was the more centered 3rd person view you brought into chapter 3. It actually felt more like a camera was sitting there and we were enjoying the hijinks of the whole house more as opposed to almost a strictly Kiyone perspective.