my original story eternal bonds neko

This segment serves as an introduction to a fantasy world torn between two armies at war. Prophecy has foretold that the descendants of each side will wed and bring an end to this conflict.

Overall, this segment was a rough read. As you stated in your original post, you are cognizant of your issues with mechanics, so I would recommend seeking out an outside editor. This option allows for another author to comment and critique the piece as it is developed. I recommend it as it has improved my own writing tremendously.

Thematically, the piece has a few interesting ideas. The mythos of the different clans and their destinies seems like it could follow a high fantasy route, a variety of races and their unique cultures and abilities. One could dive very deeply into the finer points of how these relationships operate or were established, perhaps even their origins.

That said, the exposition of these ideas could be improved. In particular, the setting is not particularly well established. The first two pages use the terms and naming conventions of feudal Japan with anthropomorphic fantasy elements. Yet, the following six pages describe a more modern school enviroment. Also, actual real world countries (i.e. the United States) are mentioned. Perhaps an establishing paragraph could set the stage for the reader before being thrust into this blend of fantasy and reality.

In the same vein, lots of exposition is done in the dialogue. If the characters should already know what the taboos and conventions of the world, those expository lines might best be relegated to descriptive paragraphs. For example, the prejudices against the spirit wolves might be common knowledge to those in this universe, while the reader would be unfamiliar. These facts might be best explained outside of dialogue. Take advantage of the written medium to economize your characters’ words to what they need to communicate to one another.

The tone of the story seemed inconsistent. For example, the opening segment has the Tenchi clan under attack from the Hojigoku clan, but the respective queens meet and chat like old friends in the midst of the battle. One even is said to have a “cheeful laugh” while battle is raging nearby. Considering the current stakes, one would think that these ladies would be more focused and serious in their demeanor.

Similarly, characterization seemed inconsistent. For example, the character Megumi is stated by Cody to “act more like my mother than my aunt”, yet she tells a story of him “pissing his pants” near the end of the segment. That does not sound like the actions of a surrogate mother, but rather an older sister teasing her brother. Perhaps that might be a better role for this portrayal of her. Likewise, several centuries-old creatures, such as the Rena and Vardna, childish or petty, contrary to their supposed wisdom and veneration. Perhaps this is an intentional contrast.

Furthermore, many characters are introduced and then dropped. For example, Blood Pike and Octavian are introdued and join the main party, but then seem to vanish into the background. This becomes cluttered as the characters seem to have served a purpose and then linger unnecessarily. The journey to Sleric’s den might be a good time to expand these characters and develop them. You could give the reader insight into the dynamics of the group, how they work together and learn to appreciate one another. Relegating potential character development to a paragraph of “X taught Y about technique Z” could be seen as a wasted opportunity to show the reader who these characters are, and who they are becoming.

In conclusion, I would like to emphasize that while this story does seem very rough, it has some potential to be expounded. With some more planning, and your story could be an epic to share with your readers. Invite us on a journey with your characters. Introduce them to us. Show us who they are, not just what they can do. Share with us their tears and triumphs, not just their battles and bravado.