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Day 13: Wish I could get a second opinion about a matter of formatting/style.
In the “transfer” part of the story, the MC is telling his recent memories to a computer program that is communicating directly with his sub-conscious. (A lot like the Matrix, now that I think of it.) It uses the avatar of a young girl to be presentable and unsuspicious to the MC’s mind.
Originally, I had the dialogue all in quotes, with descriptions of expression in fitting places.
In my recent revision, I shifted all of the program’s “spoken” lines to being in italics – due to it being a program and… because. (not totally sure.)
Again, I like the italics, I just don’t know if it’s a good idea or not.
Thoughts?
Old ver.
[spoil]1: Within His MindMist. And wonder. Peace. Quiet.
But not too quiet. Like being next to a shallow waterfall as it lands on shallow rocks with a shallow, pattering noise. And all the rest of the world is so deep and distant…far out in the mist.
In such a place a person doesn’t bother to think much. One would much rather just be, and be without worrying about petty logic and complex thought.
But he’d still hear if someone said “Hello, there.”
“What? Oh, hello.”
“What’s your name?”
“Me? My… my name’s Elliot.”
“How are you doing?”
“Oh, I guess I’m doing well enough. The scenery here kind of puts me out of it, but I’m fine. And you?”
The misty figure tilted her head (though that might not have been noticed).
“I-” It stopped for a second and formed an answer.
“I’m fine.”
A minute passed.
‘Such a peaceful silence.’ the boy thought to himself. ‘No, not silence. Silence is madness. Stillness- a peaceful stillness. Not silence.’
The silver haze came closer to him and, if he had paid attention, he would have guessed that it sat down next to him. But he wasn’t paying attention to that. He wasn’t really paying attention to anything.
“So, what have you been up to lately?” The mist asked.
“I’m not really sure. It’s not something I’m too worried about.”
“Could you tell me, please? I don’t get to talk to people often.”
Compassion. For once the boy actually looked at the being next to him. He could tell that it was a girl from its voice, and after a minute of staring into the mist around her, he could make out that it was young. Maybe six or seven years old.
He thought for a minute that something looked familiar to him, but the mist shifted and the thought was lost.
“Uh, well, I guess I could.”
Somehow he could tell that the girl had a big smile on under that mist, and he smiled back.
“Let me think for a minute, first.” he said as he lay back in the… grass? It wasn’t grass. It wasn’t rock, like the noise of the waterfall made it sound, either. It just… was.
The misty figure descended by him. It didn’t seem to recline, it just hovered next to the boy, waiting for him to start.
“Actually, there’s a LOT that could use explaining…” he mumbled, trailing off.
The mist shifted, waiting for him to begin, but the boy looked hesitant.
“You seem understanding. Do you mind if I ramble for a minute?”
The girl shook her head in approval, but quickly realized that the boy couldn’t see her clearly.
“Go ahead. I’ll listen.” It spoke.
“Well, okay.”
The boy closed his eyes and began.
“This past school year… Yeah, I’ll start there. This year has been my senior year of high school, and it has probably been the most disturbing and painful school-year to date. It’s not really anyone’s fault but mine. You see, I’ve grown tired of the world,” He waved his hand around at nothing in particular. “This reality, if you will.”
‘Oh, the irony,’ The girl thought to herself.
“I’ve come to understand that there is nothing in the reality I inhabit that is not corrupt, and that nearly all the people around me haven’t the slightest clue as to how the world works. They simply don’t understand the workings of life.” He paused.
“Then again… maybe I’m just talking about my peers.” Another pause.
‘Well, if the Wall Street Journal is any example, the rest of the world is just like them.’ he thought to himself with a sense of annoyance.
“Anyways, I’ve grown tired of the world, and one thing that didn’t help this at all was my latest obsession with a certain anime: Tenchi Muyo. An amusement of sorts. I had long since stopped reading fantasy novels by the time I started watching Tenchi Muyo, mainly for the same reason that the anime has become my ruin. Novels, especially fantasy novels, are nearly impossible for me to put up with because they portray a world or reality that reflects how the world was meant to be, and should be. I hate reading about that because no matter how much I may want such a reality (like Tenchi Muyo), it will never exist. So I’d read more fantasy or watch more of the videos until it affected me nearly like a drug.”
He glanced over at the clouded face of the girl. Was it getting his drift? He was pretty sure it had a blank stare, but, again, he was only guessing.
“Aww, never mind. Let me back up to a few days ago, at-” he thought for a minute “the concert.”
“Okay,” The girl in the mist agreed. “What happened there?”
“I had spent the whole day volunteering in setting up and tearing down a show at a local concert hall that I hang around, so I was totally spent when I got home. You see, I had gotten up at seven o’clock to arrive early, and ended up getting home at half past one. That is to say, AFTER midnight.
“Pretty much the whole next morning as I made my way to school I was both half-asleep from staying up so late, and terribly depressed and grumpy from my day-dreams of a better world to live in. Again, it was -no, it IS- my fetish, and it nags at me the worst when I’m fatigued like I was then. Sleepiness wasn’t new, but on that day I felt an aching hunger, as if something was continuously imploding in my stomach, pulling on my insides.
“At school I pretty much slept with my eyes open for the first two periods, unable to handle both the over-bearing aching and my nearly surreal mental state. By the time third period ended, however, the drowsiness and hunger were totally gone, replaced by ubiquitous pain, an uncanny alertness, and a burning energy from inside. It seemed like everywhere that I could, I ached, and yet… it all felt so real. And I felt so… powerful…”
The mist shifted uneasily.
“Anyway, as the day progressed, the aching and intense energy became overwhelming, and I had no trouble checking out of school on the convincingly real excuse of a fever.
“As I got in my ’96 Ford Ranger -gosh,I love that truck- my seemingly never-ceasing mental jukebox suddenly stopped what it had been playing and jumped to a different song all together.”
The girl in the mist suddenly could hear a song float by her like the waving tail-end of a kite.
…I am the fever that burns your skin
…The addiction, the ancient sin
“I found it ironic that-“
“Hold on a minute,” The misty girl cut him off. “What music?”
“Hmm? Oh, you mean my ‘Mental Jukebox’?” He asked, embarrassed.
“Yes, what’s that supposed to be?”
“Umm, how do I say this?” he started and then thought for a bit.
“People crack jokes that I live and breathe music. In truth, it IS always in my head, and I don’t always have control over what song is playing, especially since I have so much music to listen to. Because I know most of it by heart (and head, obviously), you could ask me at pretty much any time of the day what’s playing in my head and I’d have an answer for you.”
He paused again and looked down. “Usually it reflects my mood, so sometimes it just makes things worse.”
“How sad.” the girl thought aloud, and the mist shimmered and shook for the slightest moment. “As you were saying-“
“Uh, yea. Right.” The boy cut in. “So, as I was saying, I found it ironic that my obsession would be so decimating to me as to bring to mind a song about drunkenness.”
“Think about that moment for me, okay?” the girl asked.
The boy nodded, and the song returned. The girl could make out a high tenor voice roughly wailing along with an 80’s-sounding track.
…I am the reputation that makes you loose face
…I am the fear that presents no case
It could see in the boy’s mind as he tried to make his mind ‘play’ a different song while driving home on that day. He had been so frustrated, trying for once to counter his sadness and despair.
“I kept trying to distract myself, to switch what song I was thinking of, but whenever I would…”
Another song floated through the mist. The same singer, the girl concluded.
…I’m standing on the sword of the dragon
…He can’t pull it from beneath my feat
“It didn’t really help the situation much. Every song I ended up hearing in my head was some sort of song of fantasy.”
Again, the song changed.
…Where will you be when the moon turns to blood?
…When the sun won’t shine, and the stars fall from above?
“What did you do then?” The misty figure asked.
The boy shook his head. “I started running through all the songs I had in my head, wondering just why the only ones coming up were songs of fantasy.” The boy looked up with annoyance. “Really, fantasy! Of all things…” He continued to glare at nothing in particular.
“What was so bad with that?” asked the mist.
“All of those songs reflect those realities I can’t have, that’s why.”
The boy suddenly seemed to get a thought, but again the mist shifted and the expression of thought passed from the boy’s face.
‘Let’s keep you non-lucid right now, okay?’ Thought the girl in the mist.
“Uh, well, either way. I fumbled around in my head, trying to find the song I was looking for. It wasn’t the safest thing to be doing, distracting myself that much, but then again I don’t know why it was so distracting. Come to think of it, I was distracting myself so much that I almost missed a turn and I had to brake hard and swing the wheel around quick.” An extremely annoyed expression crossed the boy’s face as he added “I hit the horn by accident, which almost made me run off the road, because I always jump back when I do that. I HATE it when-“
The boy’s reiteration abruptly stopped and he put a hand to his head. Back in the lab, the genius also had an annoyed expression plastered on her face as she practically threw her fingers across her translucent keyboard. She swore at the screen.
“Can’t you just stop thinking long enough to finish?!?” She scolded. Her fingers stopped on a key and she waited for the boy’s memories to start telling themselves again.
On the screen, the boy relaxed. Reluctantly, the scientist did as well.
…Close the hatches and lower the sails
…The storm is whipping great balls of hail
“I had almost reached the gravel road to my house when that happened, and from that point on, I seemed to grow more and more agitated and broody.”
“Broody? You?” The misty girl giggled. “Really, now. What do you mean by that?” The boy considered for a minute before replying.
“I’m not really sure. Something just didn’t feel right. Heck, nothing felt right, from then up till-“
“So, what happened next?” the mist cut him off.
…Tempest is raging, pulling us down
…Time to learn to swim, boy, or time to drown.
“Right about then I hit the gravel. Nothing new to me, just another part of my route home: ‘Out of the city to Ellis Boulevard, a paved road, down that until the pavement turns to gravel, and then a mile past Ramelsburg Hill with all the trees.’ Thanks, mom. Every day of the week.” The boy remembered something and chucked. “Everyone else in my family gets so annoyed that we live west of town, because it means that the sun is in our eyes both going into town in the morning and coming home in the evening. I don’t care-I like it. I’ve always liked the sight of the rising sun and the feel of the sun shining through my windshield, and I often look up toward it.”
‘Even if mom does say I’ll go blind from doing that.’ The boy added silently.
“Interesting.”
“It is!” the boy agreed. “Especially on that day.” He added almost proudly.
“Oh? How so?”
“Well, it was only just nearing noon, so the sun should have been directly above me, and yet… behind the hill, there was-“
…Oars have broke, your time to kneel
…This storm is screaming with the vengeance to KILL
“I gunned the gutless engine in my truck to get up Ramelsburg hill, like I usually do when I get to that spot in the rout home, and I looked up, and…”
The girl was becoming a little impatient. “And? And what?”
“Well, I saw the hill, and the road, and the forest on the left, and… a light shining over from the other side of the hill? It was like an oncoming car at night, but brighter, even brighter than that. It was as if the sun was directly behind the hill! And it was the middle of the day!”
The boy turned to the mist for a second. “How the heck is that supposed to happen when it’s not dark? How could that happen??”
“I don’t know.” The mist replied blankly. “Some odd things…happen, you know.”
“But it had been bright as day one minute-“
The boy stopped altogether, his thoughts ceased.
The redhead back in the lab held her finger on one key as it glowed red, her fierce glare leveled at the screen and the boy on it. Slowly, she turned where she sat. Her finger never left the key it was on as her gaze shifted to the boy on the table. The genius’s eyes narrowed as she made a very rare gut decision and lifted her finger. She spun back and continued watching.
…Faith is plunged into the sea beneath
…The waves beat the ship with iron fists to sink
[/spoil] Recent update
[spoil]1: Within His MindMist… and wonder…
Peace…quiet…
But not too quiet.
Like being next to a shallow waterfall as it lands on a shallow rock with a shallow, pattering noise.
…and all the rest of the world is so deep and distant, far out in the mist.
In such a place a person doesn’t bother to think much. One would much rather just be, and be without worrying about petty logic and complex thought.
But he’d still hear if someone said
hello, there.“What? Oh, hello.”
What’s your name?“Me? My… my name’s Elliot.”
How are you doing?“Oh, I guess I’m doing well enough. The scenery here kind of puts me out of it, but I’m fine. And you?”
The misty figure tilted her head, though that might not have been noticed.
I-It stopped for a second and formed an answer. I’m fine.A minute passed.
‘Such a peaceful silence.’ the boy thought to himself. ‘No, not silence. Silence is madness. Stillness; a peaceful stillness. Not silence.’
The silver haze came closer to him and -had he paid attention- he would have guessed that it sat down next to him. But he wasn’t paying attention to that.
He wasn’t really paying attention to anything.
So, what have you been up to lately?“I’m not really sure. It’s not something I’m too worried about.”
Could you tell me, please? I don’t get to talk to people often here.Compassion. For once the boy actually looked at the being next to him. He could tell that it was a girl from its voice, and after a minute of staring into the mist around her, he could make out that it was a young girl. Maybe six or seven years old. He thought for a minute that something looked familiar to him, but the mist shifted the thought and it was lost.
“Uh, well, I guess I could.”
Somehow he could tell that the girl had a big smile on under all that mist, and he smiled back.
“Let me think for a minute, first,” he said as he laid back in the… grass? It wasn’t grass. It wasn’t rock either, like the noise of the waterfall made it sound. It just… was.
The misty figure descended by him. She didn’t seem to recline, she just hovered next to the boy, waiting for him to start.
“Actually, there’s a lot that could use explaining…” he trailed off.
The mist shifted, waiting for him to begin, but the boy looked hesitant.
“You seem understanding. Do you mind if I ramble for a minute?”
The girl shook her head in approval, but quickly realized that the boy couldn’t see her clearly.
Go ahead. I’ll listen.“Well, okay.”
The boy closed his eyes and began.
“This past school year… Yeah, I’ll start there. This year has been my senior year of high school, and it’s probably been the most disturbing and painful school-year to date. It’s not really anyone’s fault but mine. You see, I’ve grown tired of the world,” He waved his hand around at nothing in particular. “This reality, if you will.”
‘
Oh, the irony‘ the girl thought to herself. “I’ve come to understand that there is nothing in the reality I inhabit that is not corrupt, and that nearly all the people around me haven’t the slightest clue as to how the world works. They simply don’t understand the workings of life.” He paused.
“Then again… maybe I’m just talking about my peers.” Another pause.
“Anyways, I’ve grown tired of the world, and one thing that didn’t help this at all was my latest obsession with a certain anime: Tenchi Muyo. An amusement of sorts. I had long since stopped reading fantasy novels by the time I started watching Tenchi, mainly for the same reason that the anime has become my ruin now. Novels -especially fantasy novels- are nearly impossible for me to put up with because they portray a world or reality that reflects how the world was meant to be, and should be. Good is good, bad is bad, and… and the good guys win, right? And ‘happily ever after’ and all that stuff, right?”
The boy sighed and shook his head. “I hate reading about that because no matter how much I may wish for such a reality -such as Tenchi Muyo- it will never exist. So I’d read more fantasy or watch more of the videos until it affected me nearly like a drug.”
He glanced over at the clouded face of the girl. Was she getting his drift? He was pretty sure she had a blank stare, but, again, he was only guessing.
“Aww, never mind. Let me back up to a few days ago, at…” he thought for a minute “at the concert.”
Okay. What happened there?“I had spent the day volunteering in setting up and tearing down a concert at a local concert hall that I hang around, so I was totally spent when I got home. You see, I had gotten up at seven o’clock to arrive early, and ended up getting home at half past one. That is to say, one o’clock after midnight.
“Pretty much the whole next morning as I made my way to school I was both half-asleep from staying up so late, and terribly depressed and grumpy from my usual wishes for a better world to live in. Again, it was -no, it is- my fetish, and it nags at me the worst when I’m fatigued like I was then. Sleepiness wasn’t new, but on that day I felt an aching hunger, as if something was continuously imploding in my stomach, pulling on my insides.
“At school I pretty much slept with my eyes open for the first two periods, unable to handle both the over-bearing aching and my nearly surreal mental state. By the time third period ended, however, the drowsiness and hunger were totally gone, replaced by ubiquitous pain, an uncanny alertness, and a burning energy from inside. It seemed like everywhere that I could, I ached, and yet… it all felt so real. And I felt very… powerful.”
The mist shifted uneasily.
“Anyway, as the day progressed, the aching and intense energy became overwhelming, and I had no trouble checking out of school on the convincingly real excuse of a fever. When I got in my ’96 Ford Ranger -gosh, I love that truck- all of a sudden my seemingly never-ending mental jukebox stopped what it had been playing and jumped to a different song all together.”
The girl in the mist suddenly could hear a song float by her like the waving tail-end of a kite.
I am the fever that burns your skinThe addiction, the ancient sin
“I found it ironic that-“
Hold on a minute – What music?“Hmm? Oh, you mean my ‘Mental Jukebox’?” He asked, embarrassed.
Yes, what’s that supposed to be?“Umm, how do I say this?” He thought for a bit.
“People crack jokes that I live and breathe music. In truth, it is always in my head, and I don’t always have control over what song is playing – especially since I have so much music to listen to. Since I know most of it by heart (and head, obviously), you could ask me at any time of the day or night what’s playing in my head and I’d have an answer for you.”
He paused again and looked down. “Usually it reflects my mood, so sometimes it just makes things worse.”
‘
How sad.‘ The mist shimmered and shook for the slightest moment.
As you were saying?“Uh, yeah. Right.” The boy started. “So, as I was saying, I found it ironic that my obsession would be so decimating to me that it brings to mind a song about drunkenness.”
Think about that moment for me, okay?The boy nodded, and the song returned. The girl could make out a high, gritty tenor voice wailing along to an 80’s sounding track.
I am the reputation that makes you loose faceI am the fear that presents no case
She could see in the boy’s mind as he tried to make his mind ‘play’ a different song as he drove home on that day. He had been so frustrated, trying for once to counter his sadness and despair.
“I kept trying to distract myself – to switch what song I was thinking of, but whenever I would…”
Another song floated through the mist. The same singer, the girl concluded.
I’m standing on the sword of the dragonHe can’t pull it from beneath my feat
“It didn’t really help the situation much. Every song I ended up hearing in my head was some sort of song of fantasy.”
And again the song changed.
Where will you be when the moon turns to blood?When the sun won’t shine, and the stars fall from above?
The mist brooded. What did you do then?The boy shook his head. “I started running through all the songs I had in my head, wondering just why the only ones coming up were songs of fantasy.” The boy raised his head in annoyance. “Really, fantasy! Of all things.” He glared at nothing in particular.
What was so bad with that?“All of those songs reflect those realities I can’t have, that’s why.”
The boy suddenly seemed to get a thought, but the mist shifted once again and the expression of thought passed from the boy’s face.
‘
Let’s keep you non-lucid right now, okay?‘ Thought the girl in the mist. She waited. “Uh… well… either way.” Elliot shook his head in confusion. “I fumbled around in my head, trying to find the song I was looking for. It wasn’t the safest thing to be doing, distracting myself that much, but then again I don’t know why it was so distracting. Come to think of it, I was distracting myself so much that I almost missed a turn and I had to brake hard and swing the wheel around quick.” An extremely annoyed expression crossed the boy’s face. “I almost ran off the road when I hit the horn by accident, because I always jump back when I do that. I HATE it when-“
The boy’s reiteration suddenly stopped and he put a hand to his head, wincing. Back in the lab, the genius also had an annoyed expression on her face. Throwing her fingers across her translucent keyboard, she swore at the screen.
“Can’t you just stop thinking long enough to finish?” the redhead scolded. Her fingers stopped on a key and she waited for the boy’s memories to start unspooling again.
On the screen, the boy relaxed. Reluctantly, the scientist did as well.
Close the hatches and lower the sailsThis storm is whipping great balls of hail
“I had almost reached the gravel road to my house when that happened, and from that point on, I seemed to grow more and more agitated and broody.”
Broody? You?The misty girl giggled. Really, now. What do you mean by that?The boy considered for a minute before replying.
“I’m not really sure. Something just didn’t feel right. Heck, nothing felt right, from then up till-“
The mist cut him off.
So, what happened next?Tempest is raging, pulling us downTime to learn to swim, boy, or time to drown.
“Right about then I hit the gravel. Nothing new to me, just another part of my route home: ‘Out of the city to Ellis Boulevard, a paved road, down that until the pavement turns to gravel, and then a mile past Ramelsburg Hill with all the trees.’ Thanks, mom. Every day of the week.” The boy remembered something and chucked. “Everyone else in my family gets so annoyed that we live west of town, because it means that the sun is in our eyes both going into town in the morning and coming home in the evening. I don’t care – I like it. I’ve always liked the sight of the rising sun and the feel of the sun shining through my windshield, and I often look up toward it.”
‘Even if mom does say I’ll go blind from doing that.’ The boy added silently.
Interesting.“It is!” the boy agreed. “Especially on that day.” He added almost proudly.
Oh? How so?“Well, it was only just nearing noon at that time, so the sun should have been directly above me, and yet… behind the hill, there was…”
Oars have broke, your time to kneelThis storm is screaming with the vengeance to KILL
“I gunned the gutless engine in my truck to get up Ramelsburg hill, like I usually do when I get to that spot in the rout home, and I looked up, and…”
The girl was becoming a little impatient.
And? And what?“Well, I saw the hill, and the road, and the forest on the left, and maybe… a light shining over from the other side of the hill? It was like an oncoming car at night, but brighter, even brighter than that. It was as if the sun was directly behind the hill! And it was the middle of the day!”
The boy turned to the mist for a second. “How the heck is that supposed to happen when it’s not dark? How could that happen?”
I don’t know.The mist replied glibly.
Some odd things…happen, you know.“But it had been bright as day one minute-“
The boy stopped altogether, his memory suspended.
The redhead back in the lab held her finger on one key as it glowed red, her fierce glare leveled at the screen and the boy on it. Slowly she turned where she sat. Her finger never left the key it was on as her gaze shifted to the boy on the table. The genius’s eyes narrowed as she made a very rare gut decision and lifted her finger. She spun back and continued watching.
Faith is plunged into the sea beneathThe waves beat the ship with iron fists to sink
[/spoil]
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