chucklocker

Like I said, you’ve definately got the Masaki house and it’s many characters down well. I was definately entertained by the Ryoko and Ayeka shennanigans, and Washu chasing Kiyone was fun. I think that for a novel length piece the plot is progressing at a relatively nice pace, youve got the setting in place along with the characters, and I am noticing some hints as to future conflict sprinkled throughout such as Tenchi noticing a difference in Kiyone’s eyes. Plot developement is good, as I said, I can see the length reaching a good length if it follows the current pacing. As I said earlier, clarity is sometimes an issue as I have to guess at what you meant to say, but only at certain times and not throughout the whole thing. I am interested in how you plan on unleashing “evil” Kiyone, as I can see several good ways in my mind.

All in all, I am impressed with what you have written so far, especially since it was written so long ago. I really want to see how your style has grown since then, and as I said before I would be happy to be a proof reader if you cant find anyone. If you want I could proof read what you have written so far and you can see if you like the way I do it. Can’t wait for the next update!