For Washuu

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  • For Washuu
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    Oh, come on. Please, somebody read this… and review?
    For Washuu
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    Kept me going for a while, there. Nice work!
    What kind of gun were you thinking of at the time?
    For Washuu
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    susano wrote:

    …you write the perfect fanfic story and recieved a positive review from Masaki Kajishima himself.

    Did that seriously happen??? 😯 😯 😯 😯

    For Washuu
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    susano wrote:

    you have a naked Ayeka tattoo somewhere on your body.

    Now, where did you get one of THOSE? 😯 :mrgreen:

    For Washuu
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    Well, I’m not personally much for the genre of fiction usually, at least in text form, but it kept me reading, so it can’t be all that bad. Thumbs up!
    For Washuu
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    For right now I’ll say you were tired, and to go over it again.

    I will note these two lines as standing out in infamy:

    “You should call yourself lucky kid, you got so lucky treatment from the lieutenant” says the child. “she took you under her wing on your first mission!”

    “if a team cannot function with every part, it isn’t a team at all, you learned that after your fourth try Tamamo.” Says Nanabi.

    Redundancy in ‘lucky’, no starting capitalization on the second line (quote), and you might not want an exclamation mark after “…on your first mission”. Oh, and the second line is a run-on: “…team at all, you learned that…” I’d recommend making the last clause an independent sentence.

    And…. I could do such critiques for the whole document, but I’m pretty sure you’ll get most anything I would point out to you if you go over this again when you’re not tired.

    For Washuu
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    For Washuu
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    …you can make a list of your best friends and parallel that list with the girls in Tenchi Muyo.

    …you would bother to make said list

    …you have said list in a special place

    …you make weird noises when you see a cat or rabbit hopping

    …you wonder if the 6-year-old with blond hair next door is a powerful mutant. (T in T)

    For Washuu
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    I know that VirtualDub is AMAZING, and that it can edit clips down to the frame. That’s what I like.

    However, since it’s not primarily an editor (it’s mainly a filter/compression program, and an awesome one at that), I have a two-step process. First I get all the video clips cut in VirtualDub, and then I transfer them to Windows Movie Maker to lay down the music track.

    Maybe not so user-friendly, but it’s free, and it’s powerful.

    For Washuu
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    First thing, and you might have already corrected this:

    NEVER switch tense on the reader. You went from past to present and back I think twice. One time, I know, hurt to read.

    (Mind you, I don’t mean if you’re going to do a frametale or if it’s within conversation. I’m referring to narrative only. ;) )

    As for backing, I take it this is a crossover of Tenchi Muyo and Descent Freespace/Freespace II (Or Conflict: Freespace, if you’re nitpickety). It would seem that you’re developing your own plot and characters within the Jurai and Shivan systems without bothering the original characters.

    And, I might add, you’re taking a GREAT liberty in these:

    You make it so that the Jurians and Shivans can communicate. (The whole renegade commander in FS2 was about trying to translate their language.)

    You (apparently) make the Shivans a land-based civilization, when they were most likely space-based in the games.

    You make the Shivans shape-shifters, rather than octoplegic. (or was is hexa or para? 8,6,4 legs?)

    You make the Shivans emotional. (Otherwise Rudraksha wouldn’t toy with the pilot.)

    Now, IF you are taking these liberties, then I say it was GREAT! :mrgreen: [thumbs up!] Just because you’re using Shivans doesn’t mean you have to be accurate to the game, and really, I hope you DON’T. There’s already been 2 games out, and the Shivan’s weren’t the most entertaining in them. So, please, do beef up their social skills a bit. :D

    Oh, yeah. Unless you’re going to make a lemon, or a genius and can make a lime worth reading, don’t bother with sexual content. It’s pretty much just a distraction if it’s casually thrown out there and then disregarded. :|

    Overall (and tense aside), I give it a 4/5 potential, 3/5 as it is now.

    Keep it up!

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